94 days ago I went back into deployment mode, single mom mode. I also went into advocate, fighter mode. It was almost like Deja Vue from 18 months ago. PTSD is a evil beast. It can take a person you have known and love and change them to some one who is cold and closed off. Its like being with a completely stranger.
Honestly over the course of the last few years my mind has been plagued with the thoughts of divorce. Would it be easier to leave this life and walk away? Could I just get up and leave the man I loved and promised to be with because of PTSD? For many its so easy to say forget this life and move on. That no one deserves to be treated that way. They are right none of us do. However, I truly believe that some of this is beyond their control. I believe we as the spouse, the caregiver get so beaten down that we grow resentful. We miss the man we married, the days that were filled with outings, laughter and a social life. We question if this is how we are supposed to be living our lives.
I had questions and doubts this time. I was so angry that once again here we are. Same song 4th verse and this time it was probably the worst. Four, FOUR, different organizations had to help this time and it still honestly wasn't enough but it was getting us by. These are things that would run a typical spouse off. This is were most would draw the line. I contemplated it but realized that this isn't who he is and PTSD and TBI have changed him.
I fought through my negative feelings, resentment and my total anger towards him and the situation. I contacted Quilts of Valor and decided to have a special quilt made just for him. Something that he can have and hold that will show him what he means to not only our family but to those in our country. I was told it would be 6 months to a year however within two weeks she had it ready and she was local so that is what made it faster. I know this quilt will mean a lot to him. However it wasn't enough I felt that something else was still missing to make me feel that I needed him to see he was still wanted and needed. That he had a purpose
Monday, a fellow WW spouse contacted me, she told me about her 12 week old Black Lab that needed to be in a better home. She was smart and easy to train. She knew Chris had wanted a lab and was wanting to train dogs to become service dogs for WW with PTSD and TBI. So a few hours later we ended up with the sweetest little girl named Bailey. This is Chris motivational present. He leaves in October for school. In the past I have thought this was a horrible idea but this is his purpose. He has wanted this for years. Chris needs to know he has a purpose and a reason to still exist in our family and our society. This is his reason. So tomorrow he will be greeted with this bundle of joy and his motivation to go to school in the fall so when they come home we can start the process of finding a suitable battle buddy for this sweet girl.
As I was searching for a bag to put the quilt I went to walk around and found this Dr Seuss book called Seussism. I thought it was cheesy at first but each title of each little passage had a connection to Chris. I wanted to have something that he can take with him when at school or if he had to leave again for treatment. He can look at these and smile and know it is going to be ok. That while these passages come from a children's book collection there is some hidden meanings that can resonate with an adult.
One of my favorites and I know this will have meaning for him:
Don't be Afraid to Accept Help
I floated twelve days without toothpaste or soap.
I practically, almost had given up hope
When someone up high shouted, "Here!Catch the rope!"
Then I knew that my troubles had come to an end
And I climbed up the rope, calling, "Thank you my friend"
He can always, always ask for help. I know he wants help but asking for help is the hardest part.
I go into tomorrow with a new direction and and mind set. Its about making him feel like he has a purpose a reason to be here. To help others like him. To help raise his family. To feel like he really does belong in our society.
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Another slow down
I wrung my fingers together standing in the doorway staring him down in the eyes. He knows that stance. I know that stance. Its that stance I get when its time to step in. He hates that stance. I don't remotely enjoy doing it. Still wringing my hands I looked up and told him " do you want this for you or are you just doing this because we want this for you?". No real response. "Please know it won't work if you aren't doing this because you want this, it's only going to make the difference if it comes from you."
The kids were in the car away from the conversation. My tone was calm and sincere just maybe a touch firm. This battle had been worse for weeks now with it just hitting its peak a few weeks ago. These doctors aren't getting it and no one cares to listen. I just had to take my stand. He handed me his debit cards turned to his bag and said he was going. I turned around before he could notice the tears filling up in my eyes. Taking a deep breath I opened our front door and met up with the kids out in the car. " Ok guys we are going some place tonight I need everyone to cooperate and just roll with it. Please this is all I ask."
After an hour and a half of much needed respite, I felt more at peace and ready to gather the kids to head home. It was our first respite night and apparently the last of the school year. Regardless I needed it and so did the kids. Heading home I had prepared in my head how I would let the children know Chris was going to be gone for a while and that we as a family were going to make it. Strong and steady, we can do this.
We pulled in and of course the children knew with the truck gone something was up. Sean knew. We got inside but I still wasn't ready to speak. I made a phone call that about 30 minutes into was abruptly interrupted. Chris was home. His eyes and face blank. I know that face. He was turned away and once again no one is helping. I become in a bit of panic. Not for our safety but for concern that he is losing hope and knowing the statistics for PTSD patients. My husband will not be one of those statistics. I started calling a few friends. I needed a plan but I needed to ensure that Chris still had the momentum to push forward.
An hour later with some help and repeating myself to the crisis manager on the phone in Big Spring we left for the ER. "He blanks out, quick to temper, irrational, erratic, withdrawn, self destructive, angry." I must have repeated this 50 times to the triage, nurse, doctor and mental health. "Is he suicidal, homicidal or a threat to himself or others?" "Well no but I am sure if we prolong this we will eventually get there." I reply. "Can we just get him help tonight to get him transported to Big Spring where they can do what they need?!" My pleas fell on deaf ears. At 4:45am we were released with a Ativan and told he could get help in the morning. This is why this rate of suicide climbs. They are in crisis but because they are not violent or out of control they dismiss it. I am angry.
The following morning a battle buddy arrived to make the trek with Chris to Big Spring. Once again his pleas falling on deaf ears. The VA was not willing to help. WHY?! I was stern and exhausted but I got my point across. A new team came in to see what exactly they could do. Two hours later success. We got a bed in Midland and they are willing to help. I can breath he can breath.
I am an advocate, I am strong and I will fight if I need to. I know that some in my spot who have endured what PTSD can do might not want to. It takes it toll and some would rather throw in the towel then fight on. I've been there. Its a sad and dark place. I know that he already feels like everyone else has given up so I can't let him ever think I feel the same. I don't.
The plan is to make it to Denver. The best treatment awaits him. Hopefully we got the ball rolling. If he wants it and he knows it will help I will do it. Deployment mode kicks back in. I can do this. I have done it before. I stand strong and do what I need to, count on my support team when I need to and push on for the kids, for Chris for me. We all slow down sometimes but its sometimes what we need to regain that momentum to push forward to overcome those obstacles that lay ahead.
The kids were in the car away from the conversation. My tone was calm and sincere just maybe a touch firm. This battle had been worse for weeks now with it just hitting its peak a few weeks ago. These doctors aren't getting it and no one cares to listen. I just had to take my stand. He handed me his debit cards turned to his bag and said he was going. I turned around before he could notice the tears filling up in my eyes. Taking a deep breath I opened our front door and met up with the kids out in the car. " Ok guys we are going some place tonight I need everyone to cooperate and just roll with it. Please this is all I ask."
After an hour and a half of much needed respite, I felt more at peace and ready to gather the kids to head home. It was our first respite night and apparently the last of the school year. Regardless I needed it and so did the kids. Heading home I had prepared in my head how I would let the children know Chris was going to be gone for a while and that we as a family were going to make it. Strong and steady, we can do this.
We pulled in and of course the children knew with the truck gone something was up. Sean knew. We got inside but I still wasn't ready to speak. I made a phone call that about 30 minutes into was abruptly interrupted. Chris was home. His eyes and face blank. I know that face. He was turned away and once again no one is helping. I become in a bit of panic. Not for our safety but for concern that he is losing hope and knowing the statistics for PTSD patients. My husband will not be one of those statistics. I started calling a few friends. I needed a plan but I needed to ensure that Chris still had the momentum to push forward.
An hour later with some help and repeating myself to the crisis manager on the phone in Big Spring we left for the ER. "He blanks out, quick to temper, irrational, erratic, withdrawn, self destructive, angry." I must have repeated this 50 times to the triage, nurse, doctor and mental health. "Is he suicidal, homicidal or a threat to himself or others?" "Well no but I am sure if we prolong this we will eventually get there." I reply. "Can we just get him help tonight to get him transported to Big Spring where they can do what they need?!" My pleas fell on deaf ears. At 4:45am we were released with a Ativan and told he could get help in the morning. This is why this rate of suicide climbs. They are in crisis but because they are not violent or out of control they dismiss it. I am angry.
The following morning a battle buddy arrived to make the trek with Chris to Big Spring. Once again his pleas falling on deaf ears. The VA was not willing to help. WHY?! I was stern and exhausted but I got my point across. A new team came in to see what exactly they could do. Two hours later success. We got a bed in Midland and they are willing to help. I can breath he can breath.
I am an advocate, I am strong and I will fight if I need to. I know that some in my spot who have endured what PTSD can do might not want to. It takes it toll and some would rather throw in the towel then fight on. I've been there. Its a sad and dark place. I know that he already feels like everyone else has given up so I can't let him ever think I feel the same. I don't.
The plan is to make it to Denver. The best treatment awaits him. Hopefully we got the ball rolling. If he wants it and he knows it will help I will do it. Deployment mode kicks back in. I can do this. I have done it before. I stand strong and do what I need to, count on my support team when I need to and push on for the kids, for Chris for me. We all slow down sometimes but its sometimes what we need to regain that momentum to push forward to overcome those obstacles that lay ahead.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Person Centered Planning
I wrote a blog about my fears and projections on my husband. While I thought I was done learning from it I realized I still had more to take in on the subject. I am not ashamed I have been looking at the future of my son and my husband wrong for a while now. It's not a bad thing its a, typical thing that most of us parents make when it comes to handling a special needs child. However my situation is unique, I raise a special needs child and I support and take care of my special needs husband. It's role I took on because as a mother and a wife it's expected if the situation arises. I was blessed with that opportunity. Yes, blessed. Why? Because I am learning more about myself and those with disabilities more and more every day.
Just when I thought I was done with my eye opening, learning experience on Thursday, I went on to learn even more. The learning was going to continue and I was going to be even more emotional about it all than I already was. I was emotional over the fact that my husband was growing and taking back part of his life that he thought he had to surrender when he was going through his release from the military and his PTSD/TBI diagnosis.
I was in Austin for the Parent Organization Academy and was about to learn a whole new slew of things to help as our son transitions through life and all the new in's and out's of the special needs life in and out of school. I honestly thought it would have no bearing on my caretaking of Chris. It was geared to the parents not to a spouse taking care of a disabled husband but this speech I heard might as well been. I had to fight back so much emotion during her talk. It was at that moment though I realized I had to change my perspective and outlook.
Person Centered Planning. I had never heard of it until Thursday. I honestly had no real interest in it until I heard the doctor at our conference speak about it. At first I had little interest in what was said because my son is young and I really don't need to focus on transition.... or do I? Then she went in to speak about how we are so quick to make the choices of our child and their future with little to no input from them. True, very very true. I mean honestly what would he know about his future, what does he know about what he wants to do and what he wants to be? WRONG! He does and he has just as every right to speak up on it as you and I do. So how does this pertain to Chris? Simple. He has to start becoming a part of the decision making process. He has to start being able to speak up about his wants and needs. He has his rights and he deserves to utilize them.
I had been so quick to take over his role at making decisions, being in control and not letting him be able to do what it is he says he wants to do. It's not me being controlling, its me being protective. He isn't the same person he was due to his injuries. He struggles to remember the basic of things and can't handle busy and large crowds. Most of his school is done online and he can't hold the typical 9-5 job so I am the protector and his caretaker. I do not want to see him fail or hurt. I do not ask him what he wants or what he would like. He is different now and those things are just not obtainable to him.
Hearing Dr. Wilkes speak opened my eyes and changed my point of view. While all of us are talking around him and about him we are not really talking to him about what he would like. Chris has grown comfortable with that and looks to me for what should be done, especially when it comes to him. I have taken that control away from him. It wasn't supposed to be that way. Chris is still who he is with just some modifications to his personality now. I have to learn to let go of the fact that he will fall and he will fail but its ok. Hunter will fall and fail and again it will be ok. We will pick up the pieces use it as a learning experience and move forward.
We have marriage counseling on Monday and plan on addressing this Person Centered Planning approach with her to see how we can do this for him. I also plan on bringing this up to his medical team. Chris wants to go to a regular university, who am I to say he can't? I am not but I have to learn to let him go back to standing on his own two feet. Who am I to say he shouldn't go to Starmark to learn to train dogs so he can help others in the community like him? I am not he has the drive and the passion to do it he should get that experience if he so desires.
I emailed Dr. Wilkes and expressed to her just how much what she said has changed my way of thinking. I have posted her link: http://www.drwilkesconsulting.com/index.html, if you are in the DFW even outlying areas in Texas and have the opportunity to hear her speak you need to try and go. She has been doing this for years and has some amazing success stories. I am so glad I was given the opportunity to hear her talk about this. It really has changed my course of action for my family. I guess it's true what they say, you never stop learning and you never stop growing.
Just when I thought I was done with my eye opening, learning experience on Thursday, I went on to learn even more. The learning was going to continue and I was going to be even more emotional about it all than I already was. I was emotional over the fact that my husband was growing and taking back part of his life that he thought he had to surrender when he was going through his release from the military and his PTSD/TBI diagnosis.
I was in Austin for the Parent Organization Academy and was about to learn a whole new slew of things to help as our son transitions through life and all the new in's and out's of the special needs life in and out of school. I honestly thought it would have no bearing on my caretaking of Chris. It was geared to the parents not to a spouse taking care of a disabled husband but this speech I heard might as well been. I had to fight back so much emotion during her talk. It was at that moment though I realized I had to change my perspective and outlook.
Person Centered Planning. I had never heard of it until Thursday. I honestly had no real interest in it until I heard the doctor at our conference speak about it. At first I had little interest in what was said because my son is young and I really don't need to focus on transition.... or do I? Then she went in to speak about how we are so quick to make the choices of our child and their future with little to no input from them. True, very very true. I mean honestly what would he know about his future, what does he know about what he wants to do and what he wants to be? WRONG! He does and he has just as every right to speak up on it as you and I do. So how does this pertain to Chris? Simple. He has to start becoming a part of the decision making process. He has to start being able to speak up about his wants and needs. He has his rights and he deserves to utilize them.
I had been so quick to take over his role at making decisions, being in control and not letting him be able to do what it is he says he wants to do. It's not me being controlling, its me being protective. He isn't the same person he was due to his injuries. He struggles to remember the basic of things and can't handle busy and large crowds. Most of his school is done online and he can't hold the typical 9-5 job so I am the protector and his caretaker. I do not want to see him fail or hurt. I do not ask him what he wants or what he would like. He is different now and those things are just not obtainable to him.
Hearing Dr. Wilkes speak opened my eyes and changed my point of view. While all of us are talking around him and about him we are not really talking to him about what he would like. Chris has grown comfortable with that and looks to me for what should be done, especially when it comes to him. I have taken that control away from him. It wasn't supposed to be that way. Chris is still who he is with just some modifications to his personality now. I have to learn to let go of the fact that he will fall and he will fail but its ok. Hunter will fall and fail and again it will be ok. We will pick up the pieces use it as a learning experience and move forward.
We have marriage counseling on Monday and plan on addressing this Person Centered Planning approach with her to see how we can do this for him. I also plan on bringing this up to his medical team. Chris wants to go to a regular university, who am I to say he can't? I am not but I have to learn to let him go back to standing on his own two feet. Who am I to say he shouldn't go to Starmark to learn to train dogs so he can help others in the community like him? I am not he has the drive and the passion to do it he should get that experience if he so desires.
I emailed Dr. Wilkes and expressed to her just how much what she said has changed my way of thinking. I have posted her link: http://www.drwilkesconsulting.com/index.html, if you are in the DFW even outlying areas in Texas and have the opportunity to hear her speak you need to try and go. She has been doing this for years and has some amazing success stories. I am so glad I was given the opportunity to hear her talk about this. It really has changed my course of action for my family. I guess it's true what they say, you never stop learning and you never stop growing.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Fear and Projection
Yesterday my husband did something that I was caught off guard by. Normally when we make big decisions, especially in regards to him we talk. Just like I typically do on my lunch break I call to check in to see what he is up to. Since we are in the process of moving and I was about to go out of town for a few days we've been meeting at the house to accomplish some tasks, discuss the game plan and then head off on our separate ways. It's actually been sort of nice and refreshing to spend that bonus time with him during the day. I feel our connection has grown closer and we have bonded a bit more in that regard. Its a big plus for our marriage lately.
So, I gave him a call to see what he was doing and he told me he was at one of the local Universities enrolling in classes. You would have thought he was telling me he was climbing Mt. Everest blindfolded or worst yet, learning to take charge of his life without me. It was scary and it hurt at first. I feel a bit more protective of him because I know he isn't who he used to be. I feel partially responsible when things do not go right and he doesn't succeed. I start to project my fears and concerns of our son's special needs onto him. I never took the second to find the positive, the good in what he had done.
If you are still wondering why him registering in our local University was so "bad", you must realize his PTSD prohibits him from retaining much information and he struggles in large, enclosed group settings. He was currently enrolled at a local community college and did most if not all his school work on line and the classes he did take were relatively small so it was hardly an issue. The classes were not the best but it got us the BAH ( housing allowance) that we needed to make our payments on bills. However this go round he was struggling to get the go from this college so he took matters into his own hands and went over to HSU. In his mind it was/is the best way to ensure he can still get the payment every month and continue to further his education.
My initial reaction to it normally would have caused a fight. When he CALMLY reassured me he knew what he was doing, and things were going to be just fine I sort of hesitated and processed what was just said to me. He was reassuring me, he was taking over my role and taking care of my feelings, emotions and concerns. He was seeking my approval and I missed the boat, completely.
All I could think about was the overwhelming class sizes, the high demand of a university, the insane workload and any other issue that would affect his TBI and PTSD. I did the EXACT thing to him as I have worked so hard to avoid when it comes to our son. To let him branch out and be his own person and not hover. I was clearly in the worst way hovering. I was so caught up in my own feelings and thoughts I neglected his. Shame on me.
While traveling to Austin today I was speaking with my friend about the whole thing. She is a veteran and we were talking about the whole issue with the community college. I told her what happened expecting she would share in my fears and concerns and she didn't. I was by no means offended, it actually opened my eyes. She was right, Chris was right. He can do this and its going to be ok.
She told me if Chris felt confident enough to venture out to the big college then its showing us that he is learning to cope, and handle these stressors that have been so tough on him in the past. If he is capable of using rational thought to know he had to do something to keep our bills paid and it was logical then he was capable of doing so. I can't keep falling back on his diagnosis. Its not who HE is. He is my husband, the father to our child, step father to my children and a man who wants to take back his life he was slowly losing. He is turning a corner.
She told me these are all good signs. These are the things that I want. I can't get caught up in the whole PTSD life because I am going to miss out on my husband. The man I married. He wants me back to being his wife not his full time caretaker. I am in caretaker mode and struggling to shift down to wife mode. I have taken all the fears of what I read on the support groups I am in of how bad it gets but then I realize what I am reading from these ladies is that they themselves are caught up in the down side of PTSD. They live day by day with that diagnosis of their spouse and make it how they live. 90% of them see that they HAVE to be in charge, that they have to do it all. Some very well do. Its just a sad fact but I am not going to be in that percentage. I am going to be that one that starts to stand back and let him stand on his own two feet. He has made progress and I want him to know I see that progress.
I need to remember that and take these feelings and worries with me in April when we have our son's ARD meeting. I need to recall these things and think about the impact I am having on him. It's not just about me. Its about them. I need to unhook myself from this diagnosis thing and learn to let things happen as they will. If he succeeds then I am there to share in that joy and excitement, the milestone of something he accomplished. If he fails I am there to pick him up, push him and encourage him to keep moving forward. I need to live for their strengths and not their weaknesses.
So, I gave him a call to see what he was doing and he told me he was at one of the local Universities enrolling in classes. You would have thought he was telling me he was climbing Mt. Everest blindfolded or worst yet, learning to take charge of his life without me. It was scary and it hurt at first. I feel a bit more protective of him because I know he isn't who he used to be. I feel partially responsible when things do not go right and he doesn't succeed. I start to project my fears and concerns of our son's special needs onto him. I never took the second to find the positive, the good in what he had done.
If you are still wondering why him registering in our local University was so "bad", you must realize his PTSD prohibits him from retaining much information and he struggles in large, enclosed group settings. He was currently enrolled at a local community college and did most if not all his school work on line and the classes he did take were relatively small so it was hardly an issue. The classes were not the best but it got us the BAH ( housing allowance) that we needed to make our payments on bills. However this go round he was struggling to get the go from this college so he took matters into his own hands and went over to HSU. In his mind it was/is the best way to ensure he can still get the payment every month and continue to further his education.
My initial reaction to it normally would have caused a fight. When he CALMLY reassured me he knew what he was doing, and things were going to be just fine I sort of hesitated and processed what was just said to me. He was reassuring me, he was taking over my role and taking care of my feelings, emotions and concerns. He was seeking my approval and I missed the boat, completely.
All I could think about was the overwhelming class sizes, the high demand of a university, the insane workload and any other issue that would affect his TBI and PTSD. I did the EXACT thing to him as I have worked so hard to avoid when it comes to our son. To let him branch out and be his own person and not hover. I was clearly in the worst way hovering. I was so caught up in my own feelings and thoughts I neglected his. Shame on me.
While traveling to Austin today I was speaking with my friend about the whole thing. She is a veteran and we were talking about the whole issue with the community college. I told her what happened expecting she would share in my fears and concerns and she didn't. I was by no means offended, it actually opened my eyes. She was right, Chris was right. He can do this and its going to be ok.
She told me if Chris felt confident enough to venture out to the big college then its showing us that he is learning to cope, and handle these stressors that have been so tough on him in the past. If he is capable of using rational thought to know he had to do something to keep our bills paid and it was logical then he was capable of doing so. I can't keep falling back on his diagnosis. Its not who HE is. He is my husband, the father to our child, step father to my children and a man who wants to take back his life he was slowly losing. He is turning a corner.
She told me these are all good signs. These are the things that I want. I can't get caught up in the whole PTSD life because I am going to miss out on my husband. The man I married. He wants me back to being his wife not his full time caretaker. I am in caretaker mode and struggling to shift down to wife mode. I have taken all the fears of what I read on the support groups I am in of how bad it gets but then I realize what I am reading from these ladies is that they themselves are caught up in the down side of PTSD. They live day by day with that diagnosis of their spouse and make it how they live. 90% of them see that they HAVE to be in charge, that they have to do it all. Some very well do. Its just a sad fact but I am not going to be in that percentage. I am going to be that one that starts to stand back and let him stand on his own two feet. He has made progress and I want him to know I see that progress.
I need to remember that and take these feelings and worries with me in April when we have our son's ARD meeting. I need to recall these things and think about the impact I am having on him. It's not just about me. Its about them. I need to unhook myself from this diagnosis thing and learn to let things happen as they will. If he succeeds then I am there to share in that joy and excitement, the milestone of something he accomplished. If he fails I am there to pick him up, push him and encourage him to keep moving forward. I need to live for their strengths and not their weaknesses.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Emotional Roller Coaster
A week ago we got the wonderful news that the VA gave Chris his final rating for his disabilities. 90% is now where he stands. To those not familiar with the military/VA world this is actually a good, especially when you have been fighting with the VA almost 2 years for these things. A whole new world has opened up to us and for that we are both so grateful. Its amazing how a marriage can change when the financial status of it takes a 180. Things have been blissful.
Chris and I decided a few weeks back to get more involved with veterans in our community and we have a fun who runs local chapter of MPVN or Military Veteran Peer Network. After all we both have gone through in the last year we or at least I feel that I am ready to start reaching out and offering my ears, support and resources. The course is 8 hours and you learn how to interact, listen, and what to do in a crisis situation. It was emotionally taxing to say the least. We touched on Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Suicide and everything else in between. I learned and gathered some amazing and scary facts about our veterans. I have attended so many different trainings in my life but none have been quite like this. I learned a lot about myself and what I can do to be more effective at helping. I am looking forward to putting these new skills to work.
Speaking of putting new found skills to work I guess those we help can truly be any one age, race or gender when you have a family member or you yourself are a veteran you at some point find yourself needing help, reaching out and just letting it all out. I hadn't been out of training an hour before I found myself in a situation that has left me an emotional wreck and thanking the man upstairs that despite all we have been through I still have my husband, my children have their father/stepfather.
I went back to our friends house to pick up the children and her husband took his life 3 months ago after battling PTSD. They have two young children 9 and 5. I can't even imagine what it is like for them. However today I got a glimpse of just how hard it must be for them. After getting on to the 5 yr old about not ruining her brothers Christmas gift she ran to her room and began to sob. I sat down and noticed she had her "daddy doll", her head was buried in the doll and I wasn't able to make out what she was saying. However as soon as she lifted her head it was very clear, she wanted her daddy back. Crap. I resist my own emotions to try and console her and reassure her it would be ok. Of course it wouldn't be ok I can't bring back her father no one can. She is five and its not a concept she should even have a remote awareness of but yet she does. I am fighting hard to keep my tears in and hug her. I told her that her daddy is here that he is in her heart and in her arms as she holds her doll. I am at a loss. I just left a training but nothing about children were mentioned just the service member and spouse but mainly service member. Crap. I ask her what I can do she says she just wants to watch TV. I turn it on and leave I have to get out I can't let her see me cry.... or should I? I get back to the couch and I can't hold back. I still can't hold back. My husband and the girls aunt see my tears. How do I help her? Why does this even have to be a aspect of her life? The moment still haunts me, this can't be a reality.
As I laid on the couch and my head on Chris' lap I feel this sense of resentment and hostility I had towards him release. This could just as easily but us. Their stories are so similar its scary and I am quite aware how this just could be us. I can't live in anger and resentment I have to let go. I want no regrets, I want to know when I look back that we made the most of a really crummy situation and I truly can't hold this against him. I don't hold Autism against H so why would I hold TBI and PTSD towards Chris? I am fairly certain he didn't ask for this.
I know this event drained Chris. I can read him like a book. I also know he likes to decompress from these things alone and with minimal distractions as possible. I also felt an overwhelming need to be with my daughters tonight. I spent a few hours at the mall with them and made sure I spoke with love and caring I gave them affection and let them know they are special and I love them. All I could think about was that moment in that little girls bedroom of the heartache and angst she has has at the loss of her father.
This I am sure won't be my last encounter with this situation. I may never be fully prepared to take this on because its so close to home for me, however because it hits so close to home I might be able to be someones support. I guess only time will tell.
Chris and I decided a few weeks back to get more involved with veterans in our community and we have a fun who runs local chapter of MPVN or Military Veteran Peer Network. After all we both have gone through in the last year we or at least I feel that I am ready to start reaching out and offering my ears, support and resources. The course is 8 hours and you learn how to interact, listen, and what to do in a crisis situation. It was emotionally taxing to say the least. We touched on Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, Suicide and everything else in between. I learned and gathered some amazing and scary facts about our veterans. I have attended so many different trainings in my life but none have been quite like this. I learned a lot about myself and what I can do to be more effective at helping. I am looking forward to putting these new skills to work.
Speaking of putting new found skills to work I guess those we help can truly be any one age, race or gender when you have a family member or you yourself are a veteran you at some point find yourself needing help, reaching out and just letting it all out. I hadn't been out of training an hour before I found myself in a situation that has left me an emotional wreck and thanking the man upstairs that despite all we have been through I still have my husband, my children have their father/stepfather.
I went back to our friends house to pick up the children and her husband took his life 3 months ago after battling PTSD. They have two young children 9 and 5. I can't even imagine what it is like for them. However today I got a glimpse of just how hard it must be for them. After getting on to the 5 yr old about not ruining her brothers Christmas gift she ran to her room and began to sob. I sat down and noticed she had her "daddy doll", her head was buried in the doll and I wasn't able to make out what she was saying. However as soon as she lifted her head it was very clear, she wanted her daddy back. Crap. I resist my own emotions to try and console her and reassure her it would be ok. Of course it wouldn't be ok I can't bring back her father no one can. She is five and its not a concept she should even have a remote awareness of but yet she does. I am fighting hard to keep my tears in and hug her. I told her that her daddy is here that he is in her heart and in her arms as she holds her doll. I am at a loss. I just left a training but nothing about children were mentioned just the service member and spouse but mainly service member. Crap. I ask her what I can do she says she just wants to watch TV. I turn it on and leave I have to get out I can't let her see me cry.... or should I? I get back to the couch and I can't hold back. I still can't hold back. My husband and the girls aunt see my tears. How do I help her? Why does this even have to be a aspect of her life? The moment still haunts me, this can't be a reality.
As I laid on the couch and my head on Chris' lap I feel this sense of resentment and hostility I had towards him release. This could just as easily but us. Their stories are so similar its scary and I am quite aware how this just could be us. I can't live in anger and resentment I have to let go. I want no regrets, I want to know when I look back that we made the most of a really crummy situation and I truly can't hold this against him. I don't hold Autism against H so why would I hold TBI and PTSD towards Chris? I am fairly certain he didn't ask for this.
I know this event drained Chris. I can read him like a book. I also know he likes to decompress from these things alone and with minimal distractions as possible. I also felt an overwhelming need to be with my daughters tonight. I spent a few hours at the mall with them and made sure I spoke with love and caring I gave them affection and let them know they are special and I love them. All I could think about was that moment in that little girls bedroom of the heartache and angst she has has at the loss of her father.
This I am sure won't be my last encounter with this situation. I may never be fully prepared to take this on because its so close to home for me, however because it hits so close to home I might be able to be someones support. I guess only time will tell.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Time Hop
Social media is loving the new craze called "Time Hop" A great app that takes you back in time, several years just to even last year at that same time. It brings back every picture, every status that you have ever shared. I looked back through my blog today and realized a week from tomorrow my Time Hop will be filled with a tone I don't usually fill my FB page with. It was a scary lonely time but at the same time it was very Deja Vu for me. Its a week away and I am ok . It was a different type of learning experience, one that has changed my mind set on a lot of things.
A year ago next week is when our lives started to notice the change. We walked on eggshells and hardly spoke at all and when we did it was never very pleasant. Wednesday I had gotten so upset I began to search for a family lawyer. I was ready to file for divorce. I had, had enough of being the emotional punching bag and him refusing to seek any sort of help or treatment for his anger. It was always our fault and that he is who he was and I just needed to either learn to deal with it or leave. I had been in contact with lawyer and we were to meet on Monday via the phone during my lunch break. I had no real plans but just that I needed to know my options and to go from there. I felt horrible for wanting to turn my back but at the time I was left with no options.
A year ago I watched my man slowly dwindle down to something he had never thought he would become. It might be 365 days later but I can still see that morning roll through my head as if it has just happened days, moments earlier. I was left with two options and I was praying option 1 one would work because I was scared to death to have to call law enforcement on my husband. Option 1 was a go. Seth stopped what he was doing and in the crappy pending winter weather came to my, well our aid.
I think back and that whole time frame he was gone and wonder what it would have been like had I not had Option 1. If we didn't have Seth in our lives. If we didn't have the support of someone who wasn't family that was nearby. He has his own health issues, his family to raise as a single dad and he dropped his life for over 6 months to help us through that. We had a lot of friends help us during that time, some who are still very much a part of our lives and we are thankful for and some who drifted away whom we no longer are in touch with. Option 1 saved our family. Seth, saved Chris which in turned saved us.
I woke up this morning with my Time Hop alert. I held my breath as I opened the app and the first thing I saw was H the day before his life changed too, that he was on the floor working on a puzzle sent home from school. Blissfully unaware that 12 hours from that moment he would face such havoc on his life and it being turned upside down. A year ago today I started this blog. I wasn't sure if I would keep it up or what I would post but its been the closest thing to therapy I can get. I have at least 5 posts not yet posted and I don't believe I ever will mainly for the fact they are half start posts that I couldn't justify finishing now because its not longer in that moment.
This time next year my Time Hop will be filled with news of making changes, helping others and knowing that having a loved one with PTSD is not a life sentence to hell. Its a life change but there is so much more that can be done now. Its time to lift the nasty stigma that is attached to this and make those around us more aware that these people aren't crazy, they endured such horrific life altering events that it has forever changed the person they were. Most of those with PTSD suffered so greatly so that we can sit here and enjoy these things we have right now. It is time to stop looking down on them and casting them aside and take them in, help them, talk to them, support them. Show them they are not damaged or worthless but that they are wanted and appreciated and admired.
A year ago next week is when our lives started to notice the change. We walked on eggshells and hardly spoke at all and when we did it was never very pleasant. Wednesday I had gotten so upset I began to search for a family lawyer. I was ready to file for divorce. I had, had enough of being the emotional punching bag and him refusing to seek any sort of help or treatment for his anger. It was always our fault and that he is who he was and I just needed to either learn to deal with it or leave. I had been in contact with lawyer and we were to meet on Monday via the phone during my lunch break. I had no real plans but just that I needed to know my options and to go from there. I felt horrible for wanting to turn my back but at the time I was left with no options.
A year ago I watched my man slowly dwindle down to something he had never thought he would become. It might be 365 days later but I can still see that morning roll through my head as if it has just happened days, moments earlier. I was left with two options and I was praying option 1 one would work because I was scared to death to have to call law enforcement on my husband. Option 1 was a go. Seth stopped what he was doing and in the crappy pending winter weather came to my, well our aid.
I think back and that whole time frame he was gone and wonder what it would have been like had I not had Option 1. If we didn't have Seth in our lives. If we didn't have the support of someone who wasn't family that was nearby. He has his own health issues, his family to raise as a single dad and he dropped his life for over 6 months to help us through that. We had a lot of friends help us during that time, some who are still very much a part of our lives and we are thankful for and some who drifted away whom we no longer are in touch with. Option 1 saved our family. Seth, saved Chris which in turned saved us.
I woke up this morning with my Time Hop alert. I held my breath as I opened the app and the first thing I saw was H the day before his life changed too, that he was on the floor working on a puzzle sent home from school. Blissfully unaware that 12 hours from that moment he would face such havoc on his life and it being turned upside down. A year ago today I started this blog. I wasn't sure if I would keep it up or what I would post but its been the closest thing to therapy I can get. I have at least 5 posts not yet posted and I don't believe I ever will mainly for the fact they are half start posts that I couldn't justify finishing now because its not longer in that moment.
This time next year my Time Hop will be filled with news of making changes, helping others and knowing that having a loved one with PTSD is not a life sentence to hell. Its a life change but there is so much more that can be done now. Its time to lift the nasty stigma that is attached to this and make those around us more aware that these people aren't crazy, they endured such horrific life altering events that it has forever changed the person they were. Most of those with PTSD suffered so greatly so that we can sit here and enjoy these things we have right now. It is time to stop looking down on them and casting them aside and take them in, help them, talk to them, support them. Show them they are not damaged or worthless but that they are wanted and appreciated and admired.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
New Joy
Its been a few weeks since our unfortunate incident. While I had typed a letter to the West TExas VA Health Care System in hopes the patient advocate or someone could lend us some help in our plea to find a new doctor for Chris and hopefully a better treatment option. Chris made copies of my letter I wrote and dispersed them to a few folks he knew hoping someone or something could help. We got our help but never in a way I had ever imagined.
Tonight at the local VFW there was a VA town hall meeting. Just as I advocate for H I need to help advocate for Chris. I know he is a big boy with his own words but sometimes he struggles to find them, or use them the right way. However tonight he stood up and spoke. He had his head held up looked the board straight in the eyes and spoke of his issues. I was proud. While yes I now tactics are in place by docs to ensure forthcoming and honesty and responsibility, there also comes a fine line of what is just needed and what is to much. That Friday was just too much. Enough was enough from the doctor who could never remember him, would eat his lunch while telemeeting with him, belittle him and not hold much faith in him. The whole staff agreed it was too much also.
We spoke with a patient advocate who wants to read my letter, she wants to ensure that all of Chris's doctor visits will be handled face to face with reimbursement for travel since telemed is not a suitable treatment option, she wants to help fix the transcript that was filled with more opinion than fact from that day and we will be filling out a request to get that done. Just an hour meeting another hour of talking to two different people and big changes were happening. On a normal day that just doesn't happen. Not with the VA at least.
I met a woman, and through a strange story that goes with it, that lost her husband just a few months ago to PTSD. She stood tonight and delivered the most memorable story that no one in that room will soon forget. She baited those bigwigs, she had them all ready to jump through hoops to help and of course when the director offered to help her she dropped the ball in the calmest most composed manner of anyone I had ever met.... She said well he killed him self back in September. Jaws from those bigwigs hit the floor! That along with everyone sitting. Even the cameraman in the back just sort of look dumbfounded. However the presentation really made it VERY clear we have some big issues that need to be addressed. I really think they took that one to heart.
At the end we were asked to speak with the patient advocate and the director. We spent about half an hour with the patient advocate. We told her that this was our formal complaint on his telemed doctor. We were then informed no more telemed face to face only and travel pay would be reimbursed she would just have to talk to a few folks to get that hopefully in place, she gave us info to have his files fixed from the over stated opinions VS facts that were placed in his file from that day. Once meeting with the director I knew that he was really wanting to help. I come off strong but not too strong but I wanted him to know that this system is seriously flawed. He said in rural areas its hard to get the best care we are level III Dallas however is level I. He basically laid it out that he would help us get the best of the best out here but that Dallas is where its at. Ok great you say more trips to Dallas. No here is the screwed up part his care would have to come from New Mexico. Yep see screwed up. Dallas is its own sort of region and West Texas area has 33 counties covered and for most treatment folks are sent to Albuquerque. What disabled vet wants to spend 10 hours in a car to be reimbursed AFTER their trip?! Ya no one! However..... if Chris showed up in Dallas for care they can't turn him away. However it was hinted at it might be better suited if we aimed to go to Dallas at some point.
Throughout the conversation the director took genuine concern over both Chris and I. He said him and his medical team would sit down and find the best treatment plan for Chris and that if he was wanting to do inpatient they would help find a source for him. He then stated all appointments from here on out would be face to face and that telemed was never an option. He also stated he would be paid for those trips to Big Springs. He threw something into the conversation that just about made me cry. Respite. He is going to look into respite care. Between H and Chris there are no breaks, not with work, the kids and everything else. He wants to ensure we get some respite! He also said that the caregiver program would be something he would look into but not as familiar with yet since he is still new but he would get us answers.
He wanted Chris to embrace his new normal. We know all about new normal with our diagnosis of Autism with H. However this new normal means letting go of some stuff for Chris. The director asked him what brings him joy. Chris responses of shooting guns made his eyes go wide. He told him that might not need to be his joy especially with the issues lately. We mentioned airsoft and he sort of turned his nose up to it but I think in the end he will change his mind. He really wants Chris to let go of the past and take on what is now. Chris mentioned getting help before January when he leaves for school to train dogs. Again the response from the director was that this isn't an overnight change it will take time. I want to support Chris so I told him that maybe in April or next Aug would be better suited because of all of this. His care needs to come before his wants. I think he is seeing that.
This system, these people put in place to help our wounded our brave men and women who fought so hard with all their courage are now being silenced. Made to feel shame and worthless for the wounds they bare especially those no one can see. I know that the VA has been in some very poor light and that they feed us BS and lies. Tonight though maybe its the naive me, but maybe its not, I saw a man with real concern in his eyes reaching out to us and wanting to help my husband before he became another statistic. Another one of those 22 a day that end their life because of PTSD. So I have put my faith and trust in this man in hopes that in the next week or so we have some real answers and some real positive changes. I don't put all my eggs in one basket but tonight given the circumstances and how I was feeling I did.
I want Chris to find his new joy. I want him to know how good things can be. I eventually want to help others around me find their new joy. PTSD doesn't just change the patient it changes their family. It changes their joy. I want to find our new joy so that soon I can show others that it can be done.
Tonight at the local VFW there was a VA town hall meeting. Just as I advocate for H I need to help advocate for Chris. I know he is a big boy with his own words but sometimes he struggles to find them, or use them the right way. However tonight he stood up and spoke. He had his head held up looked the board straight in the eyes and spoke of his issues. I was proud. While yes I now tactics are in place by docs to ensure forthcoming and honesty and responsibility, there also comes a fine line of what is just needed and what is to much. That Friday was just too much. Enough was enough from the doctor who could never remember him, would eat his lunch while telemeeting with him, belittle him and not hold much faith in him. The whole staff agreed it was too much also.
We spoke with a patient advocate who wants to read my letter, she wants to ensure that all of Chris's doctor visits will be handled face to face with reimbursement for travel since telemed is not a suitable treatment option, she wants to help fix the transcript that was filled with more opinion than fact from that day and we will be filling out a request to get that done. Just an hour meeting another hour of talking to two different people and big changes were happening. On a normal day that just doesn't happen. Not with the VA at least.
I met a woman, and through a strange story that goes with it, that lost her husband just a few months ago to PTSD. She stood tonight and delivered the most memorable story that no one in that room will soon forget. She baited those bigwigs, she had them all ready to jump through hoops to help and of course when the director offered to help her she dropped the ball in the calmest most composed manner of anyone I had ever met.... She said well he killed him self back in September. Jaws from those bigwigs hit the floor! That along with everyone sitting. Even the cameraman in the back just sort of look dumbfounded. However the presentation really made it VERY clear we have some big issues that need to be addressed. I really think they took that one to heart.
At the end we were asked to speak with the patient advocate and the director. We spent about half an hour with the patient advocate. We told her that this was our formal complaint on his telemed doctor. We were then informed no more telemed face to face only and travel pay would be reimbursed she would just have to talk to a few folks to get that hopefully in place, she gave us info to have his files fixed from the over stated opinions VS facts that were placed in his file from that day. Once meeting with the director I knew that he was really wanting to help. I come off strong but not too strong but I wanted him to know that this system is seriously flawed. He said in rural areas its hard to get the best care we are level III Dallas however is level I. He basically laid it out that he would help us get the best of the best out here but that Dallas is where its at. Ok great you say more trips to Dallas. No here is the screwed up part his care would have to come from New Mexico. Yep see screwed up. Dallas is its own sort of region and West Texas area has 33 counties covered and for most treatment folks are sent to Albuquerque. What disabled vet wants to spend 10 hours in a car to be reimbursed AFTER their trip?! Ya no one! However..... if Chris showed up in Dallas for care they can't turn him away. However it was hinted at it might be better suited if we aimed to go to Dallas at some point.
Throughout the conversation the director took genuine concern over both Chris and I. He said him and his medical team would sit down and find the best treatment plan for Chris and that if he was wanting to do inpatient they would help find a source for him. He then stated all appointments from here on out would be face to face and that telemed was never an option. He also stated he would be paid for those trips to Big Springs. He threw something into the conversation that just about made me cry. Respite. He is going to look into respite care. Between H and Chris there are no breaks, not with work, the kids and everything else. He wants to ensure we get some respite! He also said that the caregiver program would be something he would look into but not as familiar with yet since he is still new but he would get us answers.
He wanted Chris to embrace his new normal. We know all about new normal with our diagnosis of Autism with H. However this new normal means letting go of some stuff for Chris. The director asked him what brings him joy. Chris responses of shooting guns made his eyes go wide. He told him that might not need to be his joy especially with the issues lately. We mentioned airsoft and he sort of turned his nose up to it but I think in the end he will change his mind. He really wants Chris to let go of the past and take on what is now. Chris mentioned getting help before January when he leaves for school to train dogs. Again the response from the director was that this isn't an overnight change it will take time. I want to support Chris so I told him that maybe in April or next Aug would be better suited because of all of this. His care needs to come before his wants. I think he is seeing that.
This system, these people put in place to help our wounded our brave men and women who fought so hard with all their courage are now being silenced. Made to feel shame and worthless for the wounds they bare especially those no one can see. I know that the VA has been in some very poor light and that they feed us BS and lies. Tonight though maybe its the naive me, but maybe its not, I saw a man with real concern in his eyes reaching out to us and wanting to help my husband before he became another statistic. Another one of those 22 a day that end their life because of PTSD. So I have put my faith and trust in this man in hopes that in the next week or so we have some real answers and some real positive changes. I don't put all my eggs in one basket but tonight given the circumstances and how I was feeling I did.
I want Chris to find his new joy. I want him to know how good things can be. I eventually want to help others around me find their new joy. PTSD doesn't just change the patient it changes their family. It changes their joy. I want to find our new joy so that soon I can show others that it can be done.
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