94 days ago I went back into deployment mode, single mom mode. I also went into advocate, fighter mode. It was almost like Deja Vue from 18 months ago. PTSD is a evil beast. It can take a person you have known and love and change them to some one who is cold and closed off. Its like being with a completely stranger.
Honestly over the course of the last few years my mind has been plagued with the thoughts of divorce. Would it be easier to leave this life and walk away? Could I just get up and leave the man I loved and promised to be with because of PTSD? For many its so easy to say forget this life and move on. That no one deserves to be treated that way. They are right none of us do. However, I truly believe that some of this is beyond their control. I believe we as the spouse, the caregiver get so beaten down that we grow resentful. We miss the man we married, the days that were filled with outings, laughter and a social life. We question if this is how we are supposed to be living our lives.
I had questions and doubts this time. I was so angry that once again here we are. Same song 4th verse and this time it was probably the worst. Four, FOUR, different organizations had to help this time and it still honestly wasn't enough but it was getting us by. These are things that would run a typical spouse off. This is were most would draw the line. I contemplated it but realized that this isn't who he is and PTSD and TBI have changed him.
I fought through my negative feelings, resentment and my total anger towards him and the situation. I contacted Quilts of Valor and decided to have a special quilt made just for him. Something that he can have and hold that will show him what he means to not only our family but to those in our country. I was told it would be 6 months to a year however within two weeks she had it ready and she was local so that is what made it faster. I know this quilt will mean a lot to him. However it wasn't enough I felt that something else was still missing to make me feel that I needed him to see he was still wanted and needed. That he had a purpose
Monday, a fellow WW spouse contacted me, she told me about her 12 week old Black Lab that needed to be in a better home. She was smart and easy to train. She knew Chris had wanted a lab and was wanting to train dogs to become service dogs for WW with PTSD and TBI. So a few hours later we ended up with the sweetest little girl named Bailey. This is Chris motivational present. He leaves in October for school. In the past I have thought this was a horrible idea but this is his purpose. He has wanted this for years. Chris needs to know he has a purpose and a reason to still exist in our family and our society. This is his reason. So tomorrow he will be greeted with this bundle of joy and his motivation to go to school in the fall so when they come home we can start the process of finding a suitable battle buddy for this sweet girl.
As I was searching for a bag to put the quilt I went to walk around and found this Dr Seuss book called Seussism. I thought it was cheesy at first but each title of each little passage had a connection to Chris. I wanted to have something that he can take with him when at school or if he had to leave again for treatment. He can look at these and smile and know it is going to be ok. That while these passages come from a children's book collection there is some hidden meanings that can resonate with an adult.
One of my favorites and I know this will have meaning for him:
Don't be Afraid to Accept Help
I floated twelve days without toothpaste or soap.
I practically, almost had given up hope
When someone up high shouted, "Here!Catch the rope!"
Then I knew that my troubles had come to an end
And I climbed up the rope, calling, "Thank you my friend"
He can always, always ask for help. I know he wants help but asking for help is the hardest part.
I go into tomorrow with a new direction and and mind set. Its about making him feel like he has a purpose a reason to be here. To help others like him. To help raise his family. To feel like he really does belong in our society.
