Time Hop

Social media is loving the new craze called "Time Hop" A great app that takes you back in time, several years just to even last year at that same time. It brings back every picture, every status that you have ever shared. I looked back through my blog today and realized a week from tomorrow my Time Hop will be filled with a tone I don't usually fill my FB page with. It was a scary lonely time but at the same time it was very Deja Vu for me. Its a week away and I am ok . It was a different type of learning experience, one that has changed my mind set on a lot of things.
A year ago next week is when our lives started to notice the change. We walked on eggshells and hardly spoke at all and when we did it was never very pleasant. Wednesday I had gotten so upset I began to search for a family lawyer. I was ready to file for divorce. I had, had enough of being the emotional punching bag and him refusing to seek any sort of help or treatment for his anger. It was always our fault and that he is who he was and I just needed to either learn to deal with it or leave.  I had been in contact with lawyer and we were to meet on Monday via the phone during my lunch break. I had no real plans but just that I needed to know my options and to go from there. I felt horrible for wanting to turn my back but at the time I was left with no options.
A year ago I watched my man slowly dwindle down to something he had never thought he would become. It might be 365 days later but I can still see that morning roll through my head as if it has just happened days, moments earlier. I was left with two options and I was praying option 1 one would work because I was scared to death to have to call law enforcement on my husband.  Option 1 was a go. Seth stopped what he was doing and in the crappy pending winter weather came to my, well our aid.
I think back and that whole time frame he was gone and wonder what it would have been like had I not had Option 1. If we didn't have Seth in our lives. If we didn't have the support of someone who wasn't family that was nearby. He has his own health issues, his family to raise as a single dad and he dropped his life for over 6 months to help us through that. We had a lot of friends help us during that time, some who are still very much a part of our lives and we are thankful for and some who drifted away whom we no longer are in touch with. Option 1 saved our family. Seth, saved Chris which in turned saved us.
I woke up this morning with my Time Hop alert. I held my breath as I opened the app and the first thing I saw was H the day before his life changed too, that he was on the floor working on a puzzle sent home from school. Blissfully unaware that 12 hours from that moment he would face such havoc on his life and it being turned upside down. A year ago today I started this blog. I wasn't sure if I would keep it up or what I would post but its been the closest thing to therapy I can get. I have at least 5 posts not yet posted and I don't believe I ever will mainly for the fact they are half start posts that I couldn't justify finishing now because its not longer in that moment.
This time next year my Time Hop will be filled with news of making changes, helping others and knowing that having a loved one with PTSD is not a life sentence to hell. Its a life change but there is so much more that can be done now. Its time to lift the nasty stigma that is attached to this and make those around us more aware that these people aren't crazy, they endured such horrific life altering events that it has forever changed the person they were. Most of those with PTSD suffered so greatly so that we can sit here and enjoy these things we have right now. It is time to stop looking down on them and casting them aside and take them in, help them, talk to them, support them. Show them they are not damaged or worthless but that they are wanted and appreciated and admired.

New Joy

Its been a few weeks since our unfortunate incident. While I had typed a letter to the West TExas VA Health Care System in hopes the patient advocate or someone could lend us some help in our plea to find a new doctor for Chris and hopefully a better treatment option. Chris made copies of my letter I wrote and dispersed them to a few folks he knew hoping someone or something could help. We got our help but never in a way I had ever imagined.
Tonight at the local VFW there was a VA town hall meeting. Just as I advocate for H I need to help advocate for Chris. I know he is a big boy with his own words but sometimes he struggles to find them, or use them the right way. However tonight he stood up and spoke. He had his head held up looked the board straight in the eyes and spoke of his issues. I was proud. While yes I now tactics are in place by docs to ensure forthcoming and honesty and responsibility, there also comes a fine line of what is just needed and what is to much. That Friday was just too much. Enough was enough from the doctor who could never remember him, would eat his lunch while telemeeting with him, belittle him and not hold much faith in him.  The whole staff agreed it was too much also.
We spoke with a patient advocate who wants to read my letter, she wants to ensure that all of Chris's doctor visits will be handled face to face with reimbursement for travel since telemed is not a suitable treatment option, she wants to help fix the transcript that was filled with more opinion than fact from that day and we will be filling out a request to get that done. Just an hour meeting another hour of talking to two different people and big changes were happening. On a normal day that just doesn't happen. Not with the VA at least.
I met a woman, and through a strange story that goes with it, that lost her husband just a few months ago to PTSD. She stood tonight and delivered the most memorable story that no one in that room will soon forget. She baited those bigwigs, she had them all ready to jump through hoops to help and of course when the director offered to help her she dropped the ball in the calmest most composed manner of anyone I had ever met.... She said well he killed him self back in September. Jaws from those bigwigs hit the floor! That along with everyone sitting. Even the cameraman in the back just sort of look dumbfounded. However the presentation really made it VERY clear we have some big issues that need to be addressed. I really think they took that one to heart.
At the end we were asked to speak with the patient advocate and the director. We spent about half an hour with the patient advocate. We told her that this was our formal complaint on his telemed doctor. We were then informed no more telemed face to face only and travel pay would be reimbursed she would just have to talk to a few folks to get that hopefully in place, she gave us info to have his files fixed from the over stated opinions VS facts that were placed in his file from that day. Once meeting with the director I knew that he was really wanting to help. I come off strong but not too strong but I wanted him to know that this system is seriously flawed. He said in rural areas its hard to get the best care we are level III Dallas however is level I. He basically laid it out that he would help us get the best of the best out here but that Dallas is where its at. Ok great you say more trips to Dallas. No here is the screwed up part his care would have to come from New Mexico. Yep see screwed up. Dallas is its own sort of region and West Texas area has 33 counties covered and for most treatment folks are sent to Albuquerque. What disabled vet wants to spend 10 hours in a car to be reimbursed AFTER their trip?! Ya no one! However..... if Chris showed up in Dallas for care they can't turn him away. However it was hinted at it might be better suited if we aimed to go to Dallas at some point.
Throughout the conversation the director took genuine concern over both Chris and I. He said him and his medical team would sit down and find the best treatment plan for Chris and that if he was wanting to do inpatient they would help find a source for him. He then stated all appointments from here on out would be face to face and that telemed was never an option. He also stated he would be paid for those trips to Big Springs. He threw something into the conversation that just about made me cry. Respite. He is going to look into respite care. Between H and Chris there are no breaks, not with work, the kids and everything else. He wants to ensure we get some respite! He also said that the caregiver program would be something he would look into but not as familiar with yet since he is still new but he would get us answers.
He wanted Chris to embrace his new normal. We know all about new normal with our diagnosis of Autism with H. However this new normal means letting go of some stuff for Chris. The director asked him what brings him joy. Chris responses of shooting guns made his eyes go wide. He told him that might not need to be his joy especially with the issues lately. We mentioned airsoft and he sort of turned his nose up to it but I think in the end he will change his mind. He really wants Chris to let go of the past and take on what is now. Chris mentioned getting help before January when he leaves for school to train dogs. Again the response from the director was that this isn't an overnight change it will take time. I want to support Chris so I told him that maybe in April or next Aug would be better suited because of all of this. His care needs to come before his wants. I think he is seeing that.
This system, these people put in place to help our wounded our brave men and women who fought so hard with all their courage are now being silenced. Made to feel shame and worthless for the wounds they bare especially those no one can see. I know that the VA has been in some very poor light and that they feed us BS and lies. Tonight though maybe its the naive me, but maybe its not, I saw a man with real concern in his eyes reaching out to us and wanting to help my husband before he became another statistic. Another one of those 22 a day that end their life because of PTSD. So I have put my faith and trust in this man in hopes that in the next week or so we have some real answers and some real positive changes. I don't put all my eggs in one basket but tonight given the circumstances and how I was feeling I did.
I want Chris to find his new joy. I want him to know how good things can be. I eventually want to help others around me find their new joy. PTSD doesn't just change the patient it changes their family. It changes their joy. I want to find our new joy so that soon I can show others that it can be done.

Toxic……..Waste…..

No I am not talking about the city dump or even my teenager’s bedroom. Those words were spoken to my husband Friday at his VA Telemed appointment. A medical professional had the audacity to sit in front of his computer, two hours away on a fancy version of Skype, and had the nerve to say that Chris was toxic, our marriage was a waste and that it would be best if I took the kids and just left him.

I had gone to this appointment with Chris in hopes to help him get the help he needed but instead got just the opposite.  The last few weeks had been extremely trying for Chris, and I like any good spouse in this situation would, was trying my damndest to him the help he needed.  I was already anxious over this appointment. I spent the 15 minute car ride to the VA writing out topics to be addressed. The 10 minutes in the waiting room seemed like eternity to me; however the couple behind me had been waiting far longer from what I could gage listening to their conversation. Finally we were called back and I began to relax some knowing that I was going to be able to express the concerns.  Chris’ vitals were taken, questions asked that were based on his PTSD diagnosis and then it was a small wait to be escorted to the room where we would be speaking to his doctor.

Once settled I realized to this doctor we were just a number to him. I had been to a previous appointment a few months back, but the doctor had no recollection of me and asked if I was his spouse.  I sat quietly as the routine mundane questions were asked to Chris. A few things started to rub me the wrong way but I sat patiently waiting my turn to speak. I mean I assumed since I was with my husband he would realize I would want to speak up. However Chris was unsure of an answer to a question, what his BP was 20 minutes prior to this conversation, and I knew it and answered.  I was told that Chris needed to answer it. Seriously! He was unable to recall the numbers and I knew them I see no big deal but then again I was not meshing well with this doctors lack of logic. He moved on to lecture Chris about meds he should have been taking but that he requested be on hold because he either A) wasn’t using them or B) just felt the need not to take them. Chris has been asking for a while now but was told by another doctor that his BP was to low and couldn't take them. Basically he made Chris feel like a liar and that he would fix it and he better take it.

We moved on to questions about home life. Finally a situation I was more able to speak on, or so I thought. He asked a few questions. I had started to tune out a bit as I was mentally preparing myself to interject my thoughts and concerns. At this point I wasn't really caring if he wanted my thoughts or not but I figured I took this time off of work I will be saying what I need to say. He asked Chris how things were going at home. Chris gave an answer that was barely audible and the doctor looked over at me.  Finally my turn to speak, my turn to voice what was on my mind and say what needed to be said.  Or so I thought….

Once his eyes turned to me I decided to just put down the note pad and speak from the heart. I told him of the situation that happened ten days ago. Chris hadn't slept in four days, he had grown distant and agitated but I neglected to see this as a pending trigger for a big blow up. I had been on such a high of months of no issues that I forced myself not to see that there was trouble looming in the distance. I failed to see it and it ended up ending poorly. It was a rough few days of words barely spoken, sides of beds left empty to reside to couches, and schedules rearranged to help meet the needs of a stressed out family. I was letting all of this just pour out of my mouth only to be told that our living situation was toxic, my husband was toxic. Our marriage was a waste. There we no real options but that it would be best to get me and the children away from such a toxic environment. My jaw dropped. I was told that he had half a mind to get CPS involved because this sounded so horrible. I was also blamed. I am sorry, how is my not being able to attend every appointment and express my concerns when they should be expressed to a lady runs on appointments only my fault?! I work full time, my job puts food on the table, insurance for all the kids and Chris, it pays the bills. I am sorry that I can’t just take a day off at the drop of a hat to do things. Explaining I worked as a preschool teacher and that there is a big process to get time off didn't seem to matter. He was so hell bent on making Chris and I feel worthless he was going to keep going with it.

I explained it would probably be best for Chris to go back into a PTSD treatment facility. He had stated himself that he things it would be best. I also brought up the point that Chris had said his other doctor or maybe it was this doctor said that it might be best to start tapering off meds etc. I said if this was the case he would not be detoxing at the home. He would need to be in an environment that was trained to help with withdrawal and patients that were not able to take their meds. A wife and four children was not that environment. He asked if he should go back to Waco. I told the doctor sure but he would prefer to try out a program he had researched in Denver. That was another mistake. While he said it would be great and he would support it he wouldn’t do anything to help the matter. He even lied about his knowledge on it to humor Chris and I. That pissed us off even more. Who the heck does that?? I gave up. I knew I shouldn't have but I had retreated to the back of the chair, exhausted and exasperated with the treatment my husband was receiving. Here he is a Veteran who served our country for 14 years and put his life on the line and this is the treatment he gets?  And we wonder why those with PTSD often opt to take their own lives. Well if they encountered doctors like this what hope or help do they have? Even if they did have family to turn to, why would they when they are told they are horrible people who are not worthy of having a family.

Friday it became my mission to put a stop to this unfair, unjust treatment. No one, no patient of any disability, disorder or disease should ever encounter such horrific treatment. This must stop and it will stop now! I have written a letter and plan to address this with the patient advocacy, send it to our congressmen, and share it with whoever can help. We tend to have to be our spouse’s voices when they suffer from PTSD.  This is a very taboo disorder. There is so much stigmatism still attached to PTSD, there is so much society doesn’t know and only grasps from what they have been exposed to. When our spouses encounter such poor treatment and then are forced to go be mainstream with society its not wonder they struggle to blend in and mesh. Society sees them as a mental case that would lose their cool at the drop of the hat. That they are unable to function in today’s society because they are so caught up in living in their flashbacks and war stories. Doctors like this do not help debunk society’s already tainted thoughts.

Today was a turning point. Today instead of letting this just go and hoping things go better next time we decided to take action. Tomorrow morning we will begin the journey of fighting for better treatment, better options. We will stand up for what is right and what he deserves. No one at all deserves to be treated like they are toxic…….. or waste………

Plans change

 Wednesday evening I was scrolling the FB pages I am on before settling in for the night. I happened to pop in on a page and saw a post about a family needing to rehome two of their dogs due to their child's severe allergies to them. One was a dog that had already found a home with my friends sister and this 16 week old Shepherd Collie Mix was still needing a home. I know we had been talking about getting our puppy through TADSAW (Train a Dog Save a Warrior), however no one up here was able to take on a foster pup in our area and most with their foster families were establishing a bond and going to be placed with them. We had been told we could get our own dog and as long as it passed the temperament testing we could go forth with the actual training.
I ended up sending a message to the family to get more information to share with Chris, who was already asleep. I figured if I got the information first it would help base my decision  to even let him know about it to see what he wanted to do. After gathering my information I decided to wake him up and share the information I had come across. He was very interested and we set up a meeting for the following evening to see how they bonded. I was very excited and sent the message to our trainer to let him know what we were wanting to do. Its good to know he was supporting our new plans.
Thursday after gymnastics we headed over to Petsmart to meet the family and Hemi. The attraction was instant and we knew that this was meant to be. We were unable to take Hemi home that night due to needing to get a new kennel and other supplies. We all walked into Petsmart since we needed get one item for our GP and price out some items we would need for our addition. We would be picking her up the following evening. As we walked through the store Hemi was in a cart and when Chris was no longer in her site she jumped from the cart and ran to Chris' side. At that moment we all knew this was going to be his service dog.
The following evening Hemi was picked up while I was at a disability conference near by. Chris was very excited by it and you could tell. He took tons of pictures and videos of his new pal. I was greeted by Hemi when I was picked up and she was making herself comfy in the backseat with H. She was enjoying the car ride and glad to see me. We headed over to Petsmart for some socialization and training. She did great and we saw quickly things we can work on to improve. She loves to be right by Chris side so that is a big plus.
Today Hemi snuggled up at on Chris feet during a impromptu nap time in our sick household today. When he sleeps she is right up next to him. Eventually she will be trained to wake and or calm him Chris when he has nightmares. Chris slept very soundly having her right there. When he was sitting on the couch and was getting irritated with H being hyper she jumped right up into his lap and laid down. Chris relaxed and finished eating his lunch.
I am not sure when our official training will start but I am excited to start seeing this bond between the grow and blossom. I am eager to see the progress and the training to see first hand just how much this dog is going to not only change Chris' life but our families. I truly saw this past week that God works in mysterious ways and when we think that the door has closed that there is always another door, not always right away. but another door awaiting to be opened with maybe an equally as good if not better opportunity.

 Hemi and H spending time on the iPad. Hemi and Schatzie resting by the front door.

A time to adjust

Almost two full weeks since our family has become one again. In some ways it feels like no beats were ever skipped. In some ways it feels like our whole world is out of whack and out of sync. With my military wife mentality still in high gear I just keep going on autopilot, easy him back into the routine, don't put too much pressure on him, keep the routine flowing and keep your patience calm and steady. However this is not a homecoming from a deployment or a year long tour in Korea. This was 140 days of mental help to teach and help not only Chris but our family learn to function on a new standard.
Like most spouses who gain their loved one back we paint a picture in our mind of what our homecoming will be like and what our life will be like again now that we are whole. We remind ourselves also that this is just a thought and not the actual what will happen once they are home. We however keep building up this dream in our head knowing we are just going to let ourselves down because it won't be the way we envision it. It is however what keeps us moving, it keeps us sane and focused on the end that is insight. It is the dream that saddens us and makes us feel like a failure when it doesn't go exactly as planned or doesn't even happen at all. Tv shows and commercials, movies they glorify it to us and we become jaded by it and it makes us feel so crappy in the end when its not that way.
Of course there is that happy reunion, sometimes a bit awkward at first but then the rush of emotions that take over and the relief that its all over and life can go back to normal. What is normal now? For those months of separation you each established a new normal because your counterpart was far away and unable to aide in the daily tasks that you once shared in. Now we must intertwined these two normals and make one. Sounds easy, right? Not so much. For four months I have paid all the bills, done all the housework, done all the errands, therapy sessions, birthday parties, sick kid duty, handy man, I kept it all going and only managed to drop the ball or lose momentum a few times. However with all that responsibility I felt empowered, I felt the strongest I had ever felt in a long time. After a while it was like second nature and the rhythm and routine was so clockwork it make me feel amazing.  Everything was now based on my time. I set the standard of when we left the house or did things so I knew at that very moment if we were late I had no one to blame but me, if we missed out I didn't plan right, if things moved smoothly I really did have it all together.
Now I incorporate my spouse back into this picture. I admit it was hard. I loved the empowerment and feeling I had from being the head honcho, the master, the one in charge. I loved stating to my oldest that these were the plans for the week and this is how it would be done and he rolled right along with it. Of course he is a teenager its not like he could do much to alter those plans unless some school function that pops up at the last minute would change them. My oldest complied, not always willingly but knew that I was the man, woman with a plan, and this is what was going to happen. It worked and things ran smoothly.
Now I share our vehicle again, I share a bed, a schedule and routine again. I am a creature of habit and often become a bit unnerved and unpleasant when things get messed with. I feel like my 3 year old actually. I get grumpy and bent out of shape. It's not my fault I prefer things a certain way. Don't believe me ask my spouse and my two co teachers. I am almost neurotic ha ha! I admit I haven't been too easy to mesh with. I was wanting him to bend with my schedule and not the other way around or even to compromise. I wanted him to fall into my terms and my rules. A bit unrealistic I know. I like simple and this to me was simple.
Don't get me wrong I am glad to have my other half home with me. It's nice to tag team with our kiddo and have someone else to help out around the house. It's been nice to have someone to share a lunch date with and run the errands for me I couldn't get to during the day. It gave me a new perspective on just how much I counted on my community and friends while he was gone.
These last two weeks I have not been me. I know I am getting used to it all but for some reason the questions of " are you glad he is home?", " Isn't it nice to have help again?", " Is he doing better?" make me squeamish in a way. Actually to the point I feel uncomfortable. Why? Because I am not sure how I feel right now, I am not sure if he is all better or at least better to a point that is helpful to him and us. I still need time to get a grasp on that answer. Of course I always gush and tell folks how wonderful it is and how nice its been and he worked so hard. Who the heck wants to hear my real answer? I am not negative Nancy I am a realist and just need time to process all that is going on.
I feel horrible to all those who stepped up to help because I have been so vague and distant. I know and feel I owe each and every one of them and I have no idea how to. I feel so much strain growing with those who stepped up for me because suddenly I don't know how to step up to them and show them how much it meant. I actually already feel the strain in some friendships because of it. Its not purposeful but my mental state has left me feeling so out of sorts I am still trying to process myself what all is happening. This is not as easy as I had made it out to feel when I become excited at the end of this journey. I feel I owe all those folks some sort of apology even my own husband because I myself am still trying to figure out what is going on, and where we go from here.
I know it is still so very early in this game to say exactly what will happen. I know there are plenty of kinks that need to be worked out and lines of communication that need to be either reopened or opened up. I know that bending more will help me help everyone. I know that time will help fix all of this I just don't know how much time its supposed to or going to in fact take. It puts a strain on ones own personal self and the marriage. I know its hard to accept and move on when things were told and promised to you that were going to happen never did and it could have helped improved the quality of the situation.
Throwing in the towel is not an option for me on any level. I don't quit, I hate quitting it makes me feel like a failure and that I am weak. I am strong, strong willed and tough. I see things through and makes sure that I push and encourage those around me to do the same. It still an adjustment period. It is still a time for learning and getting reacclimated to each other and our lives. I just need to keep reminding myself Rome was not built in a day and that in time, soon enough, things will be flowing as smooth as ever and I can look back on this and take from it things that will make a better, spouse, mother, friend and over all a better person.

Almost home

Here we are in the home stretch. 1 2days to be exact. This time I am actually allowed to broadcast the homecoming date without the worry of an OPSEC violation and hundreds of angry military wives storming my page because I am able to post an exact return date! Ahh it's nice not to be a military wife anymore! So yes 12 days to go and we are one big, whole happy family again!

I have been asked a lot these last few weeks about my feelings on it. Am I ready? Is he ready? Is he doing better? Do I think he is better? There have been tons of questions. At first they didn't bother me but now I get slightly overwhelmed at the thought of how much of a change this is going to be. I know its going to be a trial and error period of learning how to make us a cohesive family again.

Driving home tonight I looked at my oldest and said "It's going to be strange don't you think?" Sean looked at me for a second and I think he was thinking honestly of his response. We both have grown used to this life. It wasn't hard to get used to because chunks of his life has been spent with me being on my own and us doing our own. I think he has always like it that way. I mean don't get me wrong he loves Chris but of course he has his bond with his momma. However through these last few years the stepfather stepson bond has been a bit hard given all of these circumstances. However I think things will be going a lot smoother now.

I know I have grown used to doing everything on my own, except for when I truly need a second person to jump in since cloning has not been mastered or made legal to do yet! No I am not saying I don't want my husband home, it will just be strange to have another person in the home to count on to do things. However to lessen the burden I will hold my current responsibilities and let him just get reaquainted with home life and keep him to things that are low stress and easy to maintain. He is going to be a bit busy bonding with his H man when he comes home taking him to apts and therapy. That will be good for him. However he will have his own apts to keep up with. Plus school.

It will be strange having someone next to me in bed. Someone that isn't 3ft tall and is convinced that the bed is all his! It will be great to divide and conquer evening events such as trying to be two places at once. It will be nice to make dinner for more than two and not have so many leftovers that hardly get touched! It will really be nice to have some help tackling laundry and other household chores!

Looking back this time really doesn't seem as long as it has. This has been so full of ups and downs keeping me so busy I haven't had time to stop and dwell on much. I know in times of deployment they say keep busy it goes fast. Truly this is the case because it seems like just yesterday was November and we were just entering all this. I am in  a way glad this all happened. It really gave me time to see who I am, who we are, and what are made of. I pushed myself, and put myself out there in ways I never thought I would do. I saw people rally around us to show their utmost respect for what we are enduring. I have seen people turn their back and shy away for reasons I am not sure and its just ok with me. There were people who I had never met stand by our side and provide help in ways I had never dreamed. It does prove the military no matter what sticks together to help all.

He is almost home. The end is near. It is clearly in sight. April 5th is going to be a big day for us. He might have missed all the big holidays and events but having him home is all that matters. This year when we walk for our son in our Autism Walk there will be so much more behind it all. We will be walking as a family, a whole family. Our first event together as a whole family from when this all started. He will be home in time to celebrate Ella's birthday, Sean and Hannah's birthday also. While he missed mine its ok as long as he was home to be there to celebrate the kids birthdays. He will be home in time to see Sean graduate from middle school and prepare to embark on his first year of high school and in JROTC. I think JROTC is what is going to really help Chris and Sean bond and grow together.  That and Sean has stated he clearly wants to go to A&M so I think that sealed the deal.

I guess now that this is almost over. I need to go back and finish the two blogs I started but got too distracted or too emotional to complete without getting sad or angry. I will of course continue to write about our journey once he is home and our lives are back on track. I think keeping up with the progress will be a great thing for those going through this to see. It is possible and we are going to prove it.

Prayers, scared and hope

I know that it has been said that some of God's greatest gifts can be unanswered prayers. However, on Tuesday late morning we got the answer to our prayers. The VA called and said "we will take you. Please call this number and set up a time to come. A packet is in the mail. Please fill it out prior to your arrival." Short sweet and to the point. Within seconds Chris called set up his arrival and got the ball rolling.

Wednesday January 29th our life will take a new turn and open a whole new chapter in our lives. Chris will be residing in Waco at their VA hospital to take part in their PTSD program. It has a three and ten week program. The three week is more of a intensive learn what you have and how you can cope program. Basically if you feel you are all good, or show no desire to progress to further knowledge etc they sen you on your way. They take those who show drive, motivation, perseverance, dedication and initiative into the further seven week program.  While we would be happy to have Chris home in three weeks we all know that staying the full ten weeks will be best to get the most out of it. That and we know he shows those traits of what they are looking for to further carry on in the program.

Tuesday evening I picked up Chris, despite my feeling ill and decided to prepare him a home cooked meal. I had plans each night this week to pick him up bring him home and just make sure we all got our family time in before next week. We need it. Chris and I went to the store by ourselves. It was strange. For two months I had been schlepping the kids with me and racing to get in and out. This time I didn't feel so rushed. It might have just been the grocery store but it sure felt nice to be doing something with my husband. He needed to see civilization he needed to see the outside world before he leaves.

I have never enjoyed cooking for my family more than I did that night. The sounds of father and son in the living room reading books, playing games, sharing laughs it was what I needed to hear. Chris spent the evening looking for things he needed, entertaining H while I cooked. It felt like a family again. I don't want to get to comfortable. I don't want to get to settled. I just pulled myself out of a funk I don't want to find myself back in it.

Each night this week we have picked up Chris as soon as I have gotten off work . I think the hardest night was Thursday. H had a huge meltdown at gymnastics and it was just to much for Chris. He asked for me to take him back and I felt hurt. I kept my mouth shut but I honestly wanted to scream at him "How dare you!" I kept my mouth and texts shut until I was calm enough to discuss it in a more civil manner. However I still feel a bit of pain from that. He can't handle H's meltdowns, it makes him anxious and angry. He has to learn, he has to start coping. This will have to be one of the first things he does when he gets to Waco.

My response was blunt and honest. I don't get to leave the meltdowns, I don't get a break. I am the one who has to help him through it. I would love to get a break and say "Hey can you take this one I really need to step back." Chris knows he needs to work on this. I have left it as it is and know that he still has a way to go so I am not going to continue to make myself upset.

This weekend we will begin our quest to prepare him to leave Wednesday morning. We leave bright and early and its almost like dropping him off at Basic or for a deployment. I have a lot of mixed emotions about it all right now. We are both very upset that it has take so long to get this far. We are both upset that no one did their part to report a Veteran needing PTSD help was at the facility. We are both upset that its so hard to get short term disability to help us because he needs this help and its not a overnight or a three day fix it takes weeks and weeks to help. I do believe though that while yes he should be on his way home if this was all done the right way this did in fact begin to save our marriage. This time apart, this time for him to learn about himself and for me to focus on things I had let go and put off.

Tuesday night Chris will come home and sleep in his bed that he has not slept in for two months one time before we load out the truck the next morning and take our three hour drive to his place of hope. This is our last hope to help him, to help us to help our family. We are willing to make the 10 week sacrifice if in the end this will help us all.