Plans change

 Wednesday evening I was scrolling the FB pages I am on before settling in for the night. I happened to pop in on a page and saw a post about a family needing to rehome two of their dogs due to their child's severe allergies to them. One was a dog that had already found a home with my friends sister and this 16 week old Shepherd Collie Mix was still needing a home. I know we had been talking about getting our puppy through TADSAW (Train a Dog Save a Warrior), however no one up here was able to take on a foster pup in our area and most with their foster families were establishing a bond and going to be placed with them. We had been told we could get our own dog and as long as it passed the temperament testing we could go forth with the actual training.
I ended up sending a message to the family to get more information to share with Chris, who was already asleep. I figured if I got the information first it would help base my decision  to even let him know about it to see what he wanted to do. After gathering my information I decided to wake him up and share the information I had come across. He was very interested and we set up a meeting for the following evening to see how they bonded. I was very excited and sent the message to our trainer to let him know what we were wanting to do. Its good to know he was supporting our new plans.
Thursday after gymnastics we headed over to Petsmart to meet the family and Hemi. The attraction was instant and we knew that this was meant to be. We were unable to take Hemi home that night due to needing to get a new kennel and other supplies. We all walked into Petsmart since we needed get one item for our GP and price out some items we would need for our addition. We would be picking her up the following evening. As we walked through the store Hemi was in a cart and when Chris was no longer in her site she jumped from the cart and ran to Chris' side. At that moment we all knew this was going to be his service dog.
The following evening Hemi was picked up while I was at a disability conference near by. Chris was very excited by it and you could tell. He took tons of pictures and videos of his new pal. I was greeted by Hemi when I was picked up and she was making herself comfy in the backseat with H. She was enjoying the car ride and glad to see me. We headed over to Petsmart for some socialization and training. She did great and we saw quickly things we can work on to improve. She loves to be right by Chris side so that is a big plus.
Today Hemi snuggled up at on Chris feet during a impromptu nap time in our sick household today. When he sleeps she is right up next to him. Eventually she will be trained to wake and or calm him Chris when he has nightmares. Chris slept very soundly having her right there. When he was sitting on the couch and was getting irritated with H being hyper she jumped right up into his lap and laid down. Chris relaxed and finished eating his lunch.
I am not sure when our official training will start but I am excited to start seeing this bond between the grow and blossom. I am eager to see the progress and the training to see first hand just how much this dog is going to not only change Chris' life but our families. I truly saw this past week that God works in mysterious ways and when we think that the door has closed that there is always another door, not always right away. but another door awaiting to be opened with maybe an equally as good if not better opportunity.

 Hemi and H spending time on the iPad. Hemi and Schatzie resting by the front door.

A time to adjust

Almost two full weeks since our family has become one again. In some ways it feels like no beats were ever skipped. In some ways it feels like our whole world is out of whack and out of sync. With my military wife mentality still in high gear I just keep going on autopilot, easy him back into the routine, don't put too much pressure on him, keep the routine flowing and keep your patience calm and steady. However this is not a homecoming from a deployment or a year long tour in Korea. This was 140 days of mental help to teach and help not only Chris but our family learn to function on a new standard.
Like most spouses who gain their loved one back we paint a picture in our mind of what our homecoming will be like and what our life will be like again now that we are whole. We remind ourselves also that this is just a thought and not the actual what will happen once they are home. We however keep building up this dream in our head knowing we are just going to let ourselves down because it won't be the way we envision it. It is however what keeps us moving, it keeps us sane and focused on the end that is insight. It is the dream that saddens us and makes us feel like a failure when it doesn't go exactly as planned or doesn't even happen at all. Tv shows and commercials, movies they glorify it to us and we become jaded by it and it makes us feel so crappy in the end when its not that way.
Of course there is that happy reunion, sometimes a bit awkward at first but then the rush of emotions that take over and the relief that its all over and life can go back to normal. What is normal now? For those months of separation you each established a new normal because your counterpart was far away and unable to aide in the daily tasks that you once shared in. Now we must intertwined these two normals and make one. Sounds easy, right? Not so much. For four months I have paid all the bills, done all the housework, done all the errands, therapy sessions, birthday parties, sick kid duty, handy man, I kept it all going and only managed to drop the ball or lose momentum a few times. However with all that responsibility I felt empowered, I felt the strongest I had ever felt in a long time. After a while it was like second nature and the rhythm and routine was so clockwork it make me feel amazing.  Everything was now based on my time. I set the standard of when we left the house or did things so I knew at that very moment if we were late I had no one to blame but me, if we missed out I didn't plan right, if things moved smoothly I really did have it all together.
Now I incorporate my spouse back into this picture. I admit it was hard. I loved the empowerment and feeling I had from being the head honcho, the master, the one in charge. I loved stating to my oldest that these were the plans for the week and this is how it would be done and he rolled right along with it. Of course he is a teenager its not like he could do much to alter those plans unless some school function that pops up at the last minute would change them. My oldest complied, not always willingly but knew that I was the man, woman with a plan, and this is what was going to happen. It worked and things ran smoothly.
Now I share our vehicle again, I share a bed, a schedule and routine again. I am a creature of habit and often become a bit unnerved and unpleasant when things get messed with. I feel like my 3 year old actually. I get grumpy and bent out of shape. It's not my fault I prefer things a certain way. Don't believe me ask my spouse and my two co teachers. I am almost neurotic ha ha! I admit I haven't been too easy to mesh with. I was wanting him to bend with my schedule and not the other way around or even to compromise. I wanted him to fall into my terms and my rules. A bit unrealistic I know. I like simple and this to me was simple.
Don't get me wrong I am glad to have my other half home with me. It's nice to tag team with our kiddo and have someone else to help out around the house. It's been nice to have someone to share a lunch date with and run the errands for me I couldn't get to during the day. It gave me a new perspective on just how much I counted on my community and friends while he was gone.
These last two weeks I have not been me. I know I am getting used to it all but for some reason the questions of " are you glad he is home?", " Isn't it nice to have help again?", " Is he doing better?" make me squeamish in a way. Actually to the point I feel uncomfortable. Why? Because I am not sure how I feel right now, I am not sure if he is all better or at least better to a point that is helpful to him and us. I still need time to get a grasp on that answer. Of course I always gush and tell folks how wonderful it is and how nice its been and he worked so hard. Who the heck wants to hear my real answer? I am not negative Nancy I am a realist and just need time to process all that is going on.
I feel horrible to all those who stepped up to help because I have been so vague and distant. I know and feel I owe each and every one of them and I have no idea how to. I feel so much strain growing with those who stepped up for me because suddenly I don't know how to step up to them and show them how much it meant. I actually already feel the strain in some friendships because of it. Its not purposeful but my mental state has left me feeling so out of sorts I am still trying to process myself what all is happening. This is not as easy as I had made it out to feel when I become excited at the end of this journey. I feel I owe all those folks some sort of apology even my own husband because I myself am still trying to figure out what is going on, and where we go from here.
I know it is still so very early in this game to say exactly what will happen. I know there are plenty of kinks that need to be worked out and lines of communication that need to be either reopened or opened up. I know that bending more will help me help everyone. I know that time will help fix all of this I just don't know how much time its supposed to or going to in fact take. It puts a strain on ones own personal self and the marriage. I know its hard to accept and move on when things were told and promised to you that were going to happen never did and it could have helped improved the quality of the situation.
Throwing in the towel is not an option for me on any level. I don't quit, I hate quitting it makes me feel like a failure and that I am weak. I am strong, strong willed and tough. I see things through and makes sure that I push and encourage those around me to do the same. It still an adjustment period. It is still a time for learning and getting reacclimated to each other and our lives. I just need to keep reminding myself Rome was not built in a day and that in time, soon enough, things will be flowing as smooth as ever and I can look back on this and take from it things that will make a better, spouse, mother, friend and over all a better person.

Almost home

Here we are in the home stretch. 1 2days to be exact. This time I am actually allowed to broadcast the homecoming date without the worry of an OPSEC violation and hundreds of angry military wives storming my page because I am able to post an exact return date! Ahh it's nice not to be a military wife anymore! So yes 12 days to go and we are one big, whole happy family again!

I have been asked a lot these last few weeks about my feelings on it. Am I ready? Is he ready? Is he doing better? Do I think he is better? There have been tons of questions. At first they didn't bother me but now I get slightly overwhelmed at the thought of how much of a change this is going to be. I know its going to be a trial and error period of learning how to make us a cohesive family again.

Driving home tonight I looked at my oldest and said "It's going to be strange don't you think?" Sean looked at me for a second and I think he was thinking honestly of his response. We both have grown used to this life. It wasn't hard to get used to because chunks of his life has been spent with me being on my own and us doing our own. I think he has always like it that way. I mean don't get me wrong he loves Chris but of course he has his bond with his momma. However through these last few years the stepfather stepson bond has been a bit hard given all of these circumstances. However I think things will be going a lot smoother now.

I know I have grown used to doing everything on my own, except for when I truly need a second person to jump in since cloning has not been mastered or made legal to do yet! No I am not saying I don't want my husband home, it will just be strange to have another person in the home to count on to do things. However to lessen the burden I will hold my current responsibilities and let him just get reaquainted with home life and keep him to things that are low stress and easy to maintain. He is going to be a bit busy bonding with his H man when he comes home taking him to apts and therapy. That will be good for him. However he will have his own apts to keep up with. Plus school.

It will be strange having someone next to me in bed. Someone that isn't 3ft tall and is convinced that the bed is all his! It will be great to divide and conquer evening events such as trying to be two places at once. It will be nice to make dinner for more than two and not have so many leftovers that hardly get touched! It will really be nice to have some help tackling laundry and other household chores!

Looking back this time really doesn't seem as long as it has. This has been so full of ups and downs keeping me so busy I haven't had time to stop and dwell on much. I know in times of deployment they say keep busy it goes fast. Truly this is the case because it seems like just yesterday was November and we were just entering all this. I am in  a way glad this all happened. It really gave me time to see who I am, who we are, and what are made of. I pushed myself, and put myself out there in ways I never thought I would do. I saw people rally around us to show their utmost respect for what we are enduring. I have seen people turn their back and shy away for reasons I am not sure and its just ok with me. There were people who I had never met stand by our side and provide help in ways I had never dreamed. It does prove the military no matter what sticks together to help all.

He is almost home. The end is near. It is clearly in sight. April 5th is going to be a big day for us. He might have missed all the big holidays and events but having him home is all that matters. This year when we walk for our son in our Autism Walk there will be so much more behind it all. We will be walking as a family, a whole family. Our first event together as a whole family from when this all started. He will be home in time to celebrate Ella's birthday, Sean and Hannah's birthday also. While he missed mine its ok as long as he was home to be there to celebrate the kids birthdays. He will be home in time to see Sean graduate from middle school and prepare to embark on his first year of high school and in JROTC. I think JROTC is what is going to really help Chris and Sean bond and grow together.  That and Sean has stated he clearly wants to go to A&M so I think that sealed the deal.

I guess now that this is almost over. I need to go back and finish the two blogs I started but got too distracted or too emotional to complete without getting sad or angry. I will of course continue to write about our journey once he is home and our lives are back on track. I think keeping up with the progress will be a great thing for those going through this to see. It is possible and we are going to prove it.

Prayers, scared and hope

I know that it has been said that some of God's greatest gifts can be unanswered prayers. However, on Tuesday late morning we got the answer to our prayers. The VA called and said "we will take you. Please call this number and set up a time to come. A packet is in the mail. Please fill it out prior to your arrival." Short sweet and to the point. Within seconds Chris called set up his arrival and got the ball rolling.

Wednesday January 29th our life will take a new turn and open a whole new chapter in our lives. Chris will be residing in Waco at their VA hospital to take part in their PTSD program. It has a three and ten week program. The three week is more of a intensive learn what you have and how you can cope program. Basically if you feel you are all good, or show no desire to progress to further knowledge etc they sen you on your way. They take those who show drive, motivation, perseverance, dedication and initiative into the further seven week program.  While we would be happy to have Chris home in three weeks we all know that staying the full ten weeks will be best to get the most out of it. That and we know he shows those traits of what they are looking for to further carry on in the program.

Tuesday evening I picked up Chris, despite my feeling ill and decided to prepare him a home cooked meal. I had plans each night this week to pick him up bring him home and just make sure we all got our family time in before next week. We need it. Chris and I went to the store by ourselves. It was strange. For two months I had been schlepping the kids with me and racing to get in and out. This time I didn't feel so rushed. It might have just been the grocery store but it sure felt nice to be doing something with my husband. He needed to see civilization he needed to see the outside world before he leaves.

I have never enjoyed cooking for my family more than I did that night. The sounds of father and son in the living room reading books, playing games, sharing laughs it was what I needed to hear. Chris spent the evening looking for things he needed, entertaining H while I cooked. It felt like a family again. I don't want to get to comfortable. I don't want to get to settled. I just pulled myself out of a funk I don't want to find myself back in it.

Each night this week we have picked up Chris as soon as I have gotten off work . I think the hardest night was Thursday. H had a huge meltdown at gymnastics and it was just to much for Chris. He asked for me to take him back and I felt hurt. I kept my mouth shut but I honestly wanted to scream at him "How dare you!" I kept my mouth and texts shut until I was calm enough to discuss it in a more civil manner. However I still feel a bit of pain from that. He can't handle H's meltdowns, it makes him anxious and angry. He has to learn, he has to start coping. This will have to be one of the first things he does when he gets to Waco.

My response was blunt and honest. I don't get to leave the meltdowns, I don't get a break. I am the one who has to help him through it. I would love to get a break and say "Hey can you take this one I really need to step back." Chris knows he needs to work on this. I have left it as it is and know that he still has a way to go so I am not going to continue to make myself upset.

This weekend we will begin our quest to prepare him to leave Wednesday morning. We leave bright and early and its almost like dropping him off at Basic or for a deployment. I have a lot of mixed emotions about it all right now. We are both very upset that it has take so long to get this far. We are both upset that no one did their part to report a Veteran needing PTSD help was at the facility. We are both upset that its so hard to get short term disability to help us because he needs this help and its not a overnight or a three day fix it takes weeks and weeks to help. I do believe though that while yes he should be on his way home if this was all done the right way this did in fact begin to save our marriage. This time apart, this time for him to learn about himself and for me to focus on things I had let go and put off.

Tuesday night Chris will come home and sleep in his bed that he has not slept in for two months one time before we load out the truck the next morning and take our three hour drive to his place of hope. This is our last hope to help him, to help us to help our family. We are willing to make the 10 week sacrifice if in the end this will help us all.

Just hang on

So we hit the two month mark. We have also hit the stall out no one has a clue what to do mark. Last week we should have had our information on going to the Waco VA hospital or any VA hospital last week however between being over booked with screenings and not having his records it got pushed to the following week. So tomorrow he should be getting a more definitive answer on when and if he leaves and where he will be going. He has been told he was penciled in for the 30th of this month however he has mentioned that if tomorrow doesn't go as planned he will speak with the VA in person at his apt on Wednesday.

Now that he has moved to the partial program he has more freedom and the abilities to things when he is not in his classes. We have taken advantage for the most part of this. Friday night we headed over to Seth's for a few hours to just relax. Since Chris has not been able to get a real haircut and hasn't been out laying low was more his style. However Saturday despite some rough patches I wanted to show him just how much we want our family unit back. We picked him up and took him to Chuck E Cheese and him and H spend two hours bonding over tokens and video games.

I can see it in his body language and his tone that he is losing his hope and his faith in the system that has been failing him over and over these last few weeks. If something isn't said or done soon I can see that this whole time would be a total and complete waste. Why won't they help him? Why do they make him wait? Why has no one seen he needs more than this place has to offer?! He is not some guinea pig that they can just use to see how to treat a PTSD patient. He needs REAL help and REAL intervention! Not some guessing game of maybe or maybe not this will help. 

We had once agreed while in the PHP program he wouldn't come home as to not lose his motivation and to not confuse H. I keep seeing his face and his lack enthusiasm and I have to do more. It's not fair and it's my job as his wife to figure out what to do. I need him to feel more human again more like the man he once was. We even took him to get a hair cut just to see if something would click. I guess it did just a little. He needed to see the old him the man with a "high and tight", clean shaven face and his Aggies hat. Seeing that man might just give him hope to hold on. 

So now we wait. Hurry up..... and wait. We play the waiting game again. Holding on. Clinging to that list bit of hope we both hold in the hands of the VA. Are they going to see what we all see? Will they think he is another Vet playing the system? I sure hope they see a man who has lost himself in a facility for two months that has little to no ability to help him stay afloat. All we have to do is just hang on.

Old sayings, new meanings

If you love someone let them go, if they come back it was meant to be. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Out of sight out of mind. These are sayings we have heard for ages. They are generally used in matters of the heart. It's always meant when those matters of the hearts have struggles that time and distance usually clear up those matters and time will heal all wounds. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. I can recall times when Chris and I were apart that all I wanted was to be right back in his arms that it was painstaking to have to not be around him 24/7. I know that the whole he was in Korea I just wanted him to come home because I missed having him right there with me. Usually in the military life when we become separated from our loved one it's all we can do to think about the day we reunite and how simply amazing it will be. We never hear about the awkwardness, the uncomfortable and uneasy feelings that plague us with that reunion.

I don't know if out of sight, out of mind help has hurt or helped us. I mean we aren't completely out of sight of one another we have the opportunities twice a week to visit for an hour, generally its more like 40/45 min since the front desk usually runs behind and they don't seem to care that we don't get that full hour with our loved ones. I guess they feel the time we get with them is enough and that we just didn't matter. I think prisoners get more time to visit with their family than these folks who are in there to better their lives and help face the demons that have haunted their lives. Regardless that distance, that lack of sight cause strains and resentment to all these families. I know I love Chris but I can feel the distance, the strain and the awkwardness when we are together.

I can tell myself how excited I am to see Chris, that I am so thrilled to have that time with him. However when I show up I feel as though I am conversing with a stranger. A person I know but don't know well enough to divulge my feelings to. I go home and feel guilty because I know I was different than I had expected to be. I feel bad because there is a wedge that has placed itself in a spot it doesn't need to be. The distance has not made my heart grow fonder. Its made it more strange and awkward. Why?

During most of this time apart its has been very out of sight out of mind. I haven't found myself sitting around pining away about the return of Chris. I have found myself going full speed trying to do what I can to keep busy, take care of anything and everything maybe to avoid that thought of Chris that makes me sad and makes me want to change things and have him come back now.

However through all this we learn to take these old sayings and interpret them into our own means that fit us the best way we can. These things aren't bad but just a new way to see them and use them in our life.

Sacrifices

In life we face many situations where we must do without or sacrifice. A family who has little to no money to feed the whole family will sacrifice their meal to ensure their children can eat, a military spouse will often sacrifice their job or career to move with their spouse, a special needs family might have to do without certain luxuries or outings because its just not possible. It happens all the time however some are just more obvious than others.  How its is handled is also a big deal also. 

When we are younger and not as mature making a sacrifice might not be something you want to do, it might make you angry and resentful towards others, you might even be resistant to it since you are giving up your wants and needs and placing others in front of you. However as we grow and mature we realize that is what we do as adults who have grown and learned, becoming mature beings who learn that our needs aren't always as important and needed as others who are close to us and that we love dearly. We grow jealous though we think deep down "It's not fair!", "Why do they get it and I don't?" As long as we keep it inside and don't verbalize it, its all ok. Right? 

As I have grown and learned sometimes as grown up and mature as I believe I am, I feel that I still can be resentful and jealous. I tell myself all that I have done, I have worked for and given up and I get passed up again or I must give up things yet again for someone else! I hate feeling that way but sometimes when you sacrifice so much you begin to almost feel taken advantage of and passed over and not worthy. It's a horrible feeling and I often wish I never felt that way. Lately I find myself feeling it more and more. 

58 days now I have changed my train of thought and line of thinking. I have put all my needs to the back burner and focused on my children and my husband. My needs do not matter, they are not the important things right now that need my utmost attention. For 58 days I have seen my husband tucked away in a hospital that has done almost nothing for him while running a household on my own. Ensured that everything was kept up. For 58 days I have developed a whole new life for my family and adapted in ways I forgot I was capable of. For 58 days my husband who sat tucked away in a crappy facility, became jaded and angry, he became jealous and resentful. For 58 days I became angry and resentful, uncertain and full of doubt. I blame myself because this is what I wanted for him and told him this was the only way things were going to be ok. 

Sacrifice is a HUGE part of marriage and adulthood. How you are able to handle it, make or breaks the situations you are placed in. At the end of my fall semester in college I realized I would be needing to make yet another ultimate sacrifice towards myself and my family. I am giving up my last semester in school so that I can ensure more time for my children and lessen the load of stress to make sure I can fulfill all my obligations and not worry about deadlines, grades and graduation. Part of me though feels a bit of relief. I have gone full force for three semesters now and I can use this time to relax and spend more time where I am needed, which is my home. 

Chris has made the ultimate sacrifice and given up his family and his job to put himself in a program to deal with his PTSD. He knows how hard that has been on us but he also knows he is no good to us unless he can work through all this. He put aside his own personal thoughts about being in a place like where he is and do it to help our family and to of course help himself. He gave up his job, his freedom to take the steps he needed to work through a past that continues to haunt him daily and most often with no warning. 

Now we take this next step, put aside our feelings we might have that won't be conducive to helping us work toward the common goals. We have dreams, hopes and plans for our future and for each others futures. We must do what we can to support those equally and make sure we push each other towards them. We will sacrifice again our own personal gain to help our counterpart remember their dreams, plans and goals. There will be days they return the favor. Its give and take. Sometimes its give, give, give, give.