Thursday, April 30, 2015

Another slow down

I wrung my fingers together standing in the doorway staring him down in the eyes. He knows that stance. I know that stance. Its that stance I get when its time to step in. He hates that stance. I don't remotely enjoy doing it. Still wringing my hands I looked up and told him " do you want this for you or are you just doing this because we want this for you?". No real response. "Please know it won't work if you aren't doing this because you want this, it's only going to make the difference if it comes from you."
The kids were in the car away from the conversation. My tone was calm and sincere just maybe a touch firm. This battle had been worse for weeks now with it just hitting its peak a few weeks ago. These doctors aren't getting it and no one cares to listen. I just had to take my stand. He handed me his debit cards turned to his bag and said he was going. I turned around before he could notice the tears filling up in my eyes. Taking a deep breath I opened our front door and met up with the kids out in the car. " Ok guys we are going some place tonight I need everyone to cooperate and just roll with it. Please this is all I ask."
After an hour and a half of much needed respite, I felt more at peace and ready to gather the kids to head home. It was our first respite night and apparently the last of the school year. Regardless I needed it and so did the kids. Heading home I had prepared in my head how I would let the children know Chris was going to be gone for a while and that we as a family were going to make it. Strong and steady, we can do this.
We pulled in and of course the children knew with the truck gone something was up. Sean knew. We got inside but I still wasn't ready to speak. I made a phone call that about 30 minutes into was abruptly interrupted. Chris was home. His eyes and face blank. I know that face. He was turned away and once again no one is helping. I become in a bit of panic. Not for our safety but for concern that he is losing hope and knowing the statistics for PTSD patients. My husband will not be one of those statistics. I started calling a few friends. I needed a plan but I needed to ensure that Chris still had the momentum to push forward.
An hour later with some help and repeating myself to the crisis manager on the phone in Big Spring we left for the ER. "He blanks out, quick to temper, irrational, erratic, withdrawn, self destructive, angry." I must have repeated this 50 times to the triage, nurse, doctor and mental health. "Is he suicidal, homicidal or a threat to himself or others?" "Well no but I am sure if we prolong this we will eventually get there." I reply. "Can we just get him help tonight to get him transported to Big Spring where they can do what they need?!" My pleas fell on deaf ears. At 4:45am we were released with a Ativan and told he could get help in the morning. This is why this rate of suicide climbs. They are in crisis but because they are not violent or out of control they dismiss it. I am angry.
The following morning a battle buddy arrived to make the trek with Chris to Big Spring. Once again his pleas falling on deaf ears. The VA was not willing to help. WHY?! I was stern and exhausted but I got my point across. A new team came in to see what exactly they could do. Two hours later success. We got a bed in Midland and they are willing to help. I can breath he can breath.
I am an advocate, I am strong and I will fight if I need to. I know that some in my spot who have endured what PTSD can do might not want to. It takes it toll and some would rather throw in the towel then fight on. I've been there. Its a sad and dark place. I know that he already feels like everyone else has given up so I can't let him ever think I feel the same. I don't.
The plan is to make it to Denver. The best treatment awaits him. Hopefully we got the ball rolling. If he wants it and he knows it will help I will do it. Deployment mode kicks back in. I can do this. I have done it before. I stand strong and do what I need to, count on my support team when I need to and push on for the kids, for Chris for me. We all slow down sometimes but its sometimes what we need to regain that momentum to push forward to overcome those obstacles that lay ahead.