Saturday, January 25, 2014

Prayers, scared and hope

I know that it has been said that some of God's greatest gifts can be unanswered prayers. However, on Tuesday late morning we got the answer to our prayers. The VA called and said "we will take you. Please call this number and set up a time to come. A packet is in the mail. Please fill it out prior to your arrival." Short sweet and to the point. Within seconds Chris called set up his arrival and got the ball rolling.

Wednesday January 29th our life will take a new turn and open a whole new chapter in our lives. Chris will be residing in Waco at their VA hospital to take part in their PTSD program. It has a three and ten week program. The three week is more of a intensive learn what you have and how you can cope program. Basically if you feel you are all good, or show no desire to progress to further knowledge etc they sen you on your way. They take those who show drive, motivation, perseverance, dedication and initiative into the further seven week program.  While we would be happy to have Chris home in three weeks we all know that staying the full ten weeks will be best to get the most out of it. That and we know he shows those traits of what they are looking for to further carry on in the program.

Tuesday evening I picked up Chris, despite my feeling ill and decided to prepare him a home cooked meal. I had plans each night this week to pick him up bring him home and just make sure we all got our family time in before next week. We need it. Chris and I went to the store by ourselves. It was strange. For two months I had been schlepping the kids with me and racing to get in and out. This time I didn't feel so rushed. It might have just been the grocery store but it sure felt nice to be doing something with my husband. He needed to see civilization he needed to see the outside world before he leaves.

I have never enjoyed cooking for my family more than I did that night. The sounds of father and son in the living room reading books, playing games, sharing laughs it was what I needed to hear. Chris spent the evening looking for things he needed, entertaining H while I cooked. It felt like a family again. I don't want to get to comfortable. I don't want to get to settled. I just pulled myself out of a funk I don't want to find myself back in it.

Each night this week we have picked up Chris as soon as I have gotten off work . I think the hardest night was Thursday. H had a huge meltdown at gymnastics and it was just to much for Chris. He asked for me to take him back and I felt hurt. I kept my mouth shut but I honestly wanted to scream at him "How dare you!" I kept my mouth and texts shut until I was calm enough to discuss it in a more civil manner. However I still feel a bit of pain from that. He can't handle H's meltdowns, it makes him anxious and angry. He has to learn, he has to start coping. This will have to be one of the first things he does when he gets to Waco.

My response was blunt and honest. I don't get to leave the meltdowns, I don't get a break. I am the one who has to help him through it. I would love to get a break and say "Hey can you take this one I really need to step back." Chris knows he needs to work on this. I have left it as it is and know that he still has a way to go so I am not going to continue to make myself upset.

This weekend we will begin our quest to prepare him to leave Wednesday morning. We leave bright and early and its almost like dropping him off at Basic or for a deployment. I have a lot of mixed emotions about it all right now. We are both very upset that it has take so long to get this far. We are both upset that no one did their part to report a Veteran needing PTSD help was at the facility. We are both upset that its so hard to get short term disability to help us because he needs this help and its not a overnight or a three day fix it takes weeks and weeks to help. I do believe though that while yes he should be on his way home if this was all done the right way this did in fact begin to save our marriage. This time apart, this time for him to learn about himself and for me to focus on things I had let go and put off.

Tuesday night Chris will come home and sleep in his bed that he has not slept in for two months one time before we load out the truck the next morning and take our three hour drive to his place of hope. This is our last hope to help him, to help us to help our family. We are willing to make the 10 week sacrifice if in the end this will help us all.

Just hang on

So we hit the two month mark. We have also hit the stall out no one has a clue what to do mark. Last week we should have had our information on going to the Waco VA hospital or any VA hospital last week however between being over booked with screenings and not having his records it got pushed to the following week. So tomorrow he should be getting a more definitive answer on when and if he leaves and where he will be going. He has been told he was penciled in for the 30th of this month however he has mentioned that if tomorrow doesn't go as planned he will speak with the VA in person at his apt on Wednesday.

Now that he has moved to the partial program he has more freedom and the abilities to things when he is not in his classes. We have taken advantage for the most part of this. Friday night we headed over to Seth's for a few hours to just relax. Since Chris has not been able to get a real haircut and hasn't been out laying low was more his style. However Saturday despite some rough patches I wanted to show him just how much we want our family unit back. We picked him up and took him to Chuck E Cheese and him and H spend two hours bonding over tokens and video games.

I can see it in his body language and his tone that he is losing his hope and his faith in the system that has been failing him over and over these last few weeks. If something isn't said or done soon I can see that this whole time would be a total and complete waste. Why won't they help him? Why do they make him wait? Why has no one seen he needs more than this place has to offer?! He is not some guinea pig that they can just use to see how to treat a PTSD patient. He needs REAL help and REAL intervention! Not some guessing game of maybe or maybe not this will help. 

We had once agreed while in the PHP program he wouldn't come home as to not lose his motivation and to not confuse H. I keep seeing his face and his lack enthusiasm and I have to do more. It's not fair and it's my job as his wife to figure out what to do. I need him to feel more human again more like the man he once was. We even took him to get a hair cut just to see if something would click. I guess it did just a little. He needed to see the old him the man with a "high and tight", clean shaven face and his Aggies hat. Seeing that man might just give him hope to hold on. 

So now we wait. Hurry up..... and wait. We play the waiting game again. Holding on. Clinging to that list bit of hope we both hold in the hands of the VA. Are they going to see what we all see? Will they think he is another Vet playing the system? I sure hope they see a man who has lost himself in a facility for two months that has little to no ability to help him stay afloat. All we have to do is just hang on.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Old sayings, new meanings

If you love someone let them go, if they come back it was meant to be. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Out of sight out of mind. These are sayings we have heard for ages. They are generally used in matters of the heart. It's always meant when those matters of the hearts have struggles that time and distance usually clear up those matters and time will heal all wounds. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. I can recall times when Chris and I were apart that all I wanted was to be right back in his arms that it was painstaking to have to not be around him 24/7. I know that the whole he was in Korea I just wanted him to come home because I missed having him right there with me. Usually in the military life when we become separated from our loved one it's all we can do to think about the day we reunite and how simply amazing it will be. We never hear about the awkwardness, the uncomfortable and uneasy feelings that plague us with that reunion.

I don't know if out of sight, out of mind help has hurt or helped us. I mean we aren't completely out of sight of one another we have the opportunities twice a week to visit for an hour, generally its more like 40/45 min since the front desk usually runs behind and they don't seem to care that we don't get that full hour with our loved ones. I guess they feel the time we get with them is enough and that we just didn't matter. I think prisoners get more time to visit with their family than these folks who are in there to better their lives and help face the demons that have haunted their lives. Regardless that distance, that lack of sight cause strains and resentment to all these families. I know I love Chris but I can feel the distance, the strain and the awkwardness when we are together.

I can tell myself how excited I am to see Chris, that I am so thrilled to have that time with him. However when I show up I feel as though I am conversing with a stranger. A person I know but don't know well enough to divulge my feelings to. I go home and feel guilty because I know I was different than I had expected to be. I feel bad because there is a wedge that has placed itself in a spot it doesn't need to be. The distance has not made my heart grow fonder. Its made it more strange and awkward. Why?

During most of this time apart its has been very out of sight out of mind. I haven't found myself sitting around pining away about the return of Chris. I have found myself going full speed trying to do what I can to keep busy, take care of anything and everything maybe to avoid that thought of Chris that makes me sad and makes me want to change things and have him come back now.

However through all this we learn to take these old sayings and interpret them into our own means that fit us the best way we can. These things aren't bad but just a new way to see them and use them in our life.

Sunday, January 12, 2014


In life we face many situations where we must do without or sacrifice. A family who has little to no money to feed the whole family will sacrifice their meal to ensure their children can eat, a military spouse will often sacrifice their job or career to move with their spouse, a special needs family might have to do without certain luxuries or outings because its just not possible. It happens all the time however some are just more obvious than others.  How its is handled is also a big deal also. 

When we are younger and not as mature making a sacrifice might not be something you want to do, it might make you angry and resentful towards others, you might even be resistant to it since you are giving up your wants and needs and placing others in front of you. However as we grow and mature we realize that is what we do as adults who have grown and learned, becoming mature beings who learn that our needs aren't always as important and needed as others who are close to us and that we love dearly. We grow jealous though we think deep down "It's not fair!", "Why do they get it and I don't?" As long as we keep it inside and don't verbalize it, its all ok. Right? 

As I have grown and learned sometimes as grown up and mature as I believe I am, I feel that I still can be resentful and jealous. I tell myself all that I have done, I have worked for and given up and I get passed up again or I must give up things yet again for someone else! I hate feeling that way but sometimes when you sacrifice so much you begin to almost feel taken advantage of and passed over and not worthy. It's a horrible feeling and I often wish I never felt that way. Lately I find myself feeling it more and more. 

58 days now I have changed my train of thought and line of thinking. I have put all my needs to the back burner and focused on my children and my husband. My needs do not matter, they are not the important things right now that need my utmost attention. For 58 days I have seen my husband tucked away in a hospital that has done almost nothing for him while running a household on my own. Ensured that everything was kept up. For 58 days I have developed a whole new life for my family and adapted in ways I forgot I was capable of. For 58 days my husband who sat tucked away in a crappy facility, became jaded and angry, he became jealous and resentful. For 58 days I became angry and resentful, uncertain and full of doubt. I blame myself because this is what I wanted for him and told him this was the only way things were going to be ok. 

Sacrifice is a HUGE part of marriage and adulthood. How you are able to handle it, make or breaks the situations you are placed in. At the end of my fall semester in college I realized I would be needing to make yet another ultimate sacrifice towards myself and my family. I am giving up my last semester in school so that I can ensure more time for my children and lessen the load of stress to make sure I can fulfill all my obligations and not worry about deadlines, grades and graduation. Part of me though feels a bit of relief. I have gone full force for three semesters now and I can use this time to relax and spend more time where I am needed, which is my home. 

Chris has made the ultimate sacrifice and given up his family and his job to put himself in a program to deal with his PTSD. He knows how hard that has been on us but he also knows he is no good to us unless he can work through all this. He put aside his own personal thoughts about being in a place like where he is and do it to help our family and to of course help himself. He gave up his job, his freedom to take the steps he needed to work through a past that continues to haunt him daily and most often with no warning. 

Now we take this next step, put aside our feelings we might have that won't be conducive to helping us work toward the common goals. We have dreams, hopes and plans for our future and for each others futures. We must do what we can to support those equally and make sure we push each other towards them. We will sacrifice again our own personal gain to help our counterpart remember their dreams, plans and goals. There will be days they return the favor. Its give and take. Sometimes its give, give, give, give. 

Sunday, January 5, 2014

The visit

For the last 40 days my children, his step children and our son H have not seen their step dad/dad. While the older ones are understanding of this and just want him to get better the youngest has had so much to internalize. Yes he is 3 but from what we have gathered he has internalized more of this than we expected.

It took me a few weeks to realize that H had more of an idea of what was going on than I gave him credit for. A few weeks back my friend Connie took H to his therapy appointment and while they talked in the car H suddenly blurted out that "daddy was in the hospital, he got mad and tried to take me from my mommy." "He hit the fridge and scareded me." When my friend told me this it broke my heart and left me in tears. What has been done to my child? Why did he have to experience this? Why oh why did he have to recall that day in it's entire detail?!

I called "Uncle Seth", our family friend but the kids call him uncle Seth. I was sobbing when I told him what he had said today. I felt so horrible that he has been internalizing this since day 1. Seth was in shock just as I was. Chris was left with the memory of his child having a look of fear and shock on his face and my son was left with the memories of his dad trying to snatch him from my hands and leave because he was so disoriented and unaware of what was going on around him. This suddenly got much larger than what I was planning on dealing with. Now not only was I having to rally around my husband and support him and help him get past the pain he was dealing with, I now needed to consider how to get H through the trauma he had experienced that Saturday morning.

When Chris originally moved to the PHP or Partial Hospitalization Program a few weeks ago we had tossed the idea around of him seeing the older kids but not H. With him having Autism we feared this would be detrimental to all that he was having to deal with already, such as schedule changes, school being out, his sisters being in town, the whole shebang. We decided that I would still be the only one who would see him until we had family sessions. He wouldn't come to the house and we would carry on as we had been so that it wouldn't further complicate things. This only was an issue for a few days because he relapsed and had to go back into the hospital because he just wasn't ready. I was surprised they had put him there in the first place after having flashbacks, and breakthroughs during his sessions. H was still believing that daddy was in the hospital and that he was getting better that he needed rest and we could visit him soon.

Once we hit the five week mark H slowly stopped mentioning where his daddy was. He was learning to live life with just mommy and his siblings. Uncle Seth had stepped in to help with therapy runs, saving us during crazy ice storms and just pinch hitting when I needed another set of hands to help us out. Seth along with several other friends had begun to rally around us and do what ever it took to ensure we had the help and support we needed. However as thankful as I am for this help and these friends it doesn't replace the fact that they are all standing in for my husband who should be here with us. However him receiving the help and treatment he needs is far more important now. We just didn't anticipate 40+ days of limbo and no answers. Its unnerving and frustrating.

Friday we got word that H and I could be given a special visitation. They treatment team said that it would be good for both H and Chris to be reunited after being apart the 40+ days. I was hesitant to this because I was worried of the repercussion of what would happen once we left after the visit. Saturday afternoon Chris called with the details that we would meet in the morning on Sunday for an hour. I agreed to the morning because this would be easier to have the day to process what was going on instead of having to wait all day and then come home and not have much time to adjust to the events that just happened. I didn't tell him till Sunday morning we were going to see dad. I normally prep with social stories and prompts but for this I was winging it. I honestly had no idea what to do for a situation like this. Its not one of those things that comes up daily.

I wasn't prepared for the reaction today when I told H he was going to see his dad. I was telling him that we would get cleaned up and showered and once we were done we were going to see someone special. He smiled and said " Uncle Sef?!" I replied "No, we are seeing daddy!". When I thought he would perk up he got very upset and said he didn't want to go and he didn't want to see him he wanted to go play at uncle Seth's house instead. YIKES! Now I started to doubt myself and wonder if it was my fault he didn't want to see his dad because I had been so adamant about keeping them apart while Chris was in therapy that maybe I was doing more harm than good. I texted Seth in a panic. I was so overrun with guilt I was hoping he could provide me with answers. After a few moments of frantic texts, him reassuring me he is recalling details about the last time he saw his dad and that we were all nervous it would all be ok.

After some fighting and meltdowns I got H in the car. The ten minute drive seemed to take forever. I was assured by Seth that this was a normal response given what he had been through and hopefully things would be fine once we got into the groove of things. We walked in the reception area and Rose knew we were there for our special visit. She collected our information, gave us our name tags, collected my belongings and tried to make small talk with us. After a few moments she lead us to the other building. H began to get clingy and quiet. I was truly scared on how this was going to play out. I also just prayed that H wouldn't bring up the reason why he was there etc. That would add insult to injury at this point.

The reunion was awkward at best. I was on pins and needles and H was all over the place with emotions and behaviors. I did what I could to remain calm and even tempered. I let Chris and H do most of the interactions since I would be going back Monday for my own visit. Sadly they had us meet in the cafeteria that was full of stimuli for H. The buzzing of the lights, the clanking of the dishes as they prepared for lunch, the soda machines and the smells of the food being prepared. The visit was off to a rocky start.

Over the course of the hour I could see H relax a little and Chris too. H started to settle a bit and actually show affection and attention to Chris. It was brief but it was something. I could see the hurt and pain in Chris face but I believe at the same time he understood. The hour passed quickly and I could tell Chris was sad that we had to leave. Once we returned to the reception area to gather our belongings H kept saying that "daddy was staying at the hospital." He wasn't upset he seemed to just be stating facts I guess.

This has been an emotional day for sure for all of us. H did handle it better than I expected. He has only mentioned it a few times. When we went to Seth's to pick up Sean he brought it up but it was brief statements and nothing more. As the evening has progressed the less it has come up and it seems to be a non issue. When Chris called tonight he took the phone and spoke for a few seconds. However H is not really ever interested in talking on the phone as it is.

These last seven weeks have been the most trying on us since H's diagnosis with Autism. This has had a huge impact on the family. Our dynamic has completely changed and while we are adjusting and doing fine as soon as Chris gets through treatment we will go through another big transition of the homecoming integration. It of course will be well worth it once he is here but these things often cause huge setbacks when it comes the progress H makes. Our focus for now will be to keep H on routine and schedule the best we can. We both agree despite where Chris ends up the process, once ready, will include the work with H to help him comprehend and understand in his own way that daddy will be home it will just take time.

Friday, January 3, 2014


Driving back from the halfway point picking up my son, Chris calls to do his nightly call. He was still on a high from the information earlier and had even more news to share with me. I have to admit as angry and frustrated as I had been with him and the whole situation over the last few weeks I could feel myself lightening up and feeling relaxed and happy also.

We discussed the strong possibility of a family visit on Sunday and I was thrilled. I had no idea my teenager was paying attention to the phone call with his step dad. At some point he took one of his ear buds out to I guess listen to the news and I guess use it to strike up the conversation that would really make me feel proud and impressed by his maturity. Chris and I chatted for about 20 minutes and out of the corner of my eye I could see a small smile spread across my son's face. As soon as the conversation ended, Sean didn't skip a beat. He proceeded to pry on the progress and update of his step dad. Part of me was thinking he hoped that the news wouldn't be good and that would mean longer time for him to be gone and the stress of the house be at bay as it had been for the last 7 weeks.

I was very honest with Sean, he is 13 and very intuitive and insightful. I decide to seize this opportunity to discuss the progress and plans as this of course very much effects him and is part of our home life. He asked when Chris would be home before we even left the parking lot of DQ heading home. I told him at best by my birthday which is the second week of March. His eyes were big and he was surprised. I told him I would know more later this week so he left it at that and went back to is iPod. However as soon as the phone called ended with is stepfather I decided to be more forthright with the information since I know he really does want to be included in all this. Up until this night I had not asked Sean his thoughts, opinions and comprehension of our situation.  I have usually kept it generic and figured he didn't want to be bother by the details just relieved that the tension and stress of him and his stepfather was a non issue for the time being because he was not home.

When I told Sean of the VA hospital and it would be a 6/8 week program he was shocked. He had no idea that PTSD required so much intervention and treatment. He said he honestly missed Chris and the house was just not the same. He felt the house was sad and quiet and that is just not how our household works. He has really been hoping for good progress so Chris could come home and our new life could resume.

Sean after a moment of silence, boldly asked me " Has Chris ever been hurt over there?" Normally I would find a diversion topic or sugar coat this but, this is a kid who plays violent war games and does lots of reading on these types of things, there just comes a point and time when you have to be honest and tonight was that night. I told him yes he had been in combat many times and not only had to take the lives of others but he had to see the lives of his brothers taken before his eyes. He had been injured in a roadside Humvee accident that required the jaw and face to be reconstructed and screwed together in places. He also had to have surgery on his shoulder and knee. Sean was quiet and taking in the information. I told him the biggest battle he is facing is called "Survivor Remorse."  When I explained that Chris saw many of his brothers killed in combat and had to take the lives of others in order to stay safe it really made it more real I believe for Sean. This just wasn't a video game this was real life with real deaths. I could see his expression changing to a whole new direction. He just shook his head and after a few moments said that sucks. No wonder he has been so angry.

A few moments later he looked over and said he recalled reading one of those meme's on his ifunny's and it said that instead of thinking that real heroes where helmets and throw balls that we should honor those real American heroes that wear combat helmets and risk their lives for us to enjoy those athletes. For the first time he got it. He said how sad it is that we idolize those athletes and often those true heroes are forget and left out. They aren't compensated enough and it was wrong. I explained this will forever be a hot topic for lots of people and we all agree but if our athletes were paid out of the same pot of money our military was paid out of, of course this would be different but our athletes are paid by the fans and the endorsements so for every jersey, shoe, t-shirt and game day ticket you buy it goes to those athlete's  paycheck. I said "Until our service members start endorsing those types of things this is the way it has to be." It was at that time he really grasped the whole concept and realized it was very unfair. I told him a majority of our service members qualify for government assistance, such as food stamps, wic, free lunches/reduced and head start. He was shocked because those are things reserved for low income families.

I told him that veterans are often forgotten and tossed to the wayside once their time in is complete, however there is hall of fames for our athletes who not longer play. Life doesn't always make sense and he agreed. When I told him our family would be getting involved he was excited to chime in with Wounded Warrior Project. I was please to hear him say that. He is excited to see what we can do with them and hopes that these resources will be helpful to getting his step dad into a place where he can learn to be happy and enjoy his life again. He agreed a deployment ain't got nothing on this. He said this was much harder then when he was in Korea or any other time we have had to be apart. It made me proud, it made me smile to know he was getting it. He was finally able to comprehend the deeper meaning as to what our family had not only been battling the last 40 days but for the last four years.

Just when I had given up

The last few days I had lived in a dull, numb state. I had prepared for the demise of my marriage and the lack of a father figure in my child's life. I was down but not out. It was the bottom of the 9th bases loaded and all I needed was the grand slam to get me back in this game. I pulled out my wild card and threw the Hail Mary pass! I had no idea the things I did yesterday were going to have such a huge ripple effect on the news I got today.

As I prepared for my day this morning I gathered up the few belongings for Chris to leave for our friend to pick up while I was at work. The conversation last night left me feeling slightly hopefully but nothing to put all my hopes into. I had a insightful conversation with Chris probably one of the most in depth conversations since he had been gone. He was so confused and hurt by the whole " no information" deal that he decided on his own to set up something with Dyan, himself and myself. I knew at that moment one of two things, either he honestly had no idea what was going on and Dyan was lazy or mistaken or that Chris was not very bright and was about to incriminate himself with the evidence that he truly didn't want me to be apart of the treatment process. He also had expressed deep interest in getting pass on Sunday to see us. That one I was very leery of because I was not sure how it would affect H and all that he was going through.

Anyways I gathered the items and placed the pack on the back porch for Seth to retrieve as soon as Chris called to tell him he would be moving to the PHP building. I put his phone, laptop, toiletries and his checkbook and bank card. I didn't feel like places our joint card in there just to be on the safe side. Not that I think he would but I have to still look out for my family for now. I would wait patiently all day for Seth to send me the message that he was in route to tend to Chris.

The day passed and no contact from Chris. Seth confirmed with me no new information was out there. This worried me. What if he had a outburst, what if something happened and he was stuck there even longer? I gathered the kids up after work to head home and load up the truck so I could take the girls back to their dad's. I had to make a quick stop for gas before leaving the base and as soon as I sat in the truck to talk to the girls about their day, Unavailable came across my phone, I quickly answer because only one place I know of lately calls me with that name and I assumed it was Chris asking me to bring his stuff and come in for a visit. I was actually feeling myself getting irritated thinking "he has to be out of his mind thinking I am going to bring his stuff after driving three hours he is out of his mind." He asked me if I wanted some news about what was going on and I nervously said of course. He told me Waco asked for his DD214 and that they needed to verify his benefits and by mid week next week the process should be in full swing for him to head to the VA hospital there!

I almost felt this was a dream honestly. 40 days of hell and then magically answers start coming in. I strongly believe my calls to WWP and NAMI had a huge hand in all this. I think once Dyan knew I was seeking advocates to help with not only my rights and our families rights but the rights of Chris they began to see we were not going to take this lightly. I refused to let this go to the wayside and pray that eventually someone would realize this was not the place Chris needed to be and he would finally go somewhere to get help. Those 40 days might have been harder than any deployment but they were all worth it now in the name of getting help for Chris.

Today my husband is in the process of getting the much needed VA treatment he needs, landed a job once he is home and ready for work, we get a special visitation this weekend with him per his treatment team and my oldest truly comprehends and dictated to me his thoughts and feelings on this whole deal. It was like a miracle occurred. I finally felt hope again, all the doubt and anger was lifted and I felt that we would really be a family. While yes there are still some lingering questions on what was going on, I have put those things out of my mind and chosen to focus on the good that has come from today.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

The walls come crashing down.

Its never easy to have to deal with a loved one being away. It is heartbreaking and sad to deal with the unknowns and uncertainty that lies within that. Its even more disconcerting when you  are blatantly left out in the cold feeling completely detached from your own reality.

It was mid afternoon and the kids were in the living room. I was home sick from work but I honestly believe now it was stress and anxiety that caused me to be so sick to my stomach. I was angry and unsure of what was going on but I still refused to give up hope that he still wanted me by his side and needed my strength and support. Just 24 hours earlier I was told Chris didn't want me to receive notifications and or updates on his care. I was baffled. I told the office to tell him we were getting divorced and we were done. It was like being punched in the gut, slapped in the face.

I am not sure what came over me but as I scrolled the pages of FB it was like a sign to see the page for the Wounded Warrior Project. I figured at this point if any organization could offer advice, guide me and help me it was them. I suddenly felt compelled to continue to try and help the man who had just pushed me out. Maybe, just maybe he is not in the right mental state and told them something when the wrong meds were in his system. I spent the better part of an hour on the phone with some very helpful folks with the WWP and NAMI I believe it is called. NAMI is an advocacy organization that can help families get the information and help that they need. She gave me some great advice and also listened to me express my concerns over the place that Chris is currently at.

As I was making this call I looked through our kitchen to see the kids playing together knowing that they know something is going on. It was like Deja Vu. However this time it was slightly different in the aspect that it wasn't my father on the phone talking to places to help my mother and myself and my siblings in the living room it was me on the phone and my kids playing. It was a very sobering moment. It was a moment that I realized history was in a way repeating itself. I knew that look, the expressions on my own children's faces. It was that look of keep busy, do what we can to help and don't ask questions. It was the whole something big is going on we aren't suppose to know but we sort of do. It was at that moment it hit me I had one last ditch effort to fix all this and if this was not a success it was just not meant to be.

I got off the phone and called Seth. We were both surprised that we had not heard from Chris because he was due to move to a new program today and we expected a call to being his belongings and to see me and or Seth. I told Seth of my plan. It was the sure fire way to see if in fact he was being held hostage so to speak or if he really wanted to leave me out of all of this. Tonight when/ if he calls and has not moved to the new program I am going to ask that he request a meeting with is treatment team and for me to be there with them. This way I can be informed of the treatment plan and we can get to the bottom of all of this. If he seems leery or won't comply I will be convinced that he really doesn't me to be apart the process. If he agrees then I have some shred of hope that something some how some way will work out for us.

In about 20 minutes the moment of truth will come so to speak. When and if he calls I will ask him to let me help. I will try to keep the faith and know that he still loves us. This is unchartered territory for me. I can't put my kids through the hell I endured as a child. Its not fair to them. I will hold on to the last bit of hope I have while the walls around me all come crashing down.