Monday, January 20, 2014

Old sayings, new meanings

If you love someone let them go, if they come back it was meant to be. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Out of sight out of mind. These are sayings we have heard for ages. They are generally used in matters of the heart. It's always meant when those matters of the hearts have struggles that time and distance usually clear up those matters and time will heal all wounds. If it is meant to be, it is meant to be. I can recall times when Chris and I were apart that all I wanted was to be right back in his arms that it was painstaking to have to not be around him 24/7. I know that the whole he was in Korea I just wanted him to come home because I missed having him right there with me. Usually in the military life when we become separated from our loved one it's all we can do to think about the day we reunite and how simply amazing it will be. We never hear about the awkwardness, the uncomfortable and uneasy feelings that plague us with that reunion.

I don't know if out of sight, out of mind help has hurt or helped us. I mean we aren't completely out of sight of one another we have the opportunities twice a week to visit for an hour, generally its more like 40/45 min since the front desk usually runs behind and they don't seem to care that we don't get that full hour with our loved ones. I guess they feel the time we get with them is enough and that we just didn't matter. I think prisoners get more time to visit with their family than these folks who are in there to better their lives and help face the demons that have haunted their lives. Regardless that distance, that lack of sight cause strains and resentment to all these families. I know I love Chris but I can feel the distance, the strain and the awkwardness when we are together.

I can tell myself how excited I am to see Chris, that I am so thrilled to have that time with him. However when I show up I feel as though I am conversing with a stranger. A person I know but don't know well enough to divulge my feelings to. I go home and feel guilty because I know I was different than I had expected to be. I feel bad because there is a wedge that has placed itself in a spot it doesn't need to be. The distance has not made my heart grow fonder. Its made it more strange and awkward. Why?

During most of this time apart its has been very out of sight out of mind. I haven't found myself sitting around pining away about the return of Chris. I have found myself going full speed trying to do what I can to keep busy, take care of anything and everything maybe to avoid that thought of Chris that makes me sad and makes me want to change things and have him come back now.

However through all this we learn to take these old sayings and interpret them into our own means that fit us the best way we can. These things aren't bad but just a new way to see them and use them in our life.