Thursday, January 2, 2014

The walls come crashing down.

Its never easy to have to deal with a loved one being away. It is heartbreaking and sad to deal with the unknowns and uncertainty that lies within that. Its even more disconcerting when you  are blatantly left out in the cold feeling completely detached from your own reality.

It was mid afternoon and the kids were in the living room. I was home sick from work but I honestly believe now it was stress and anxiety that caused me to be so sick to my stomach. I was angry and unsure of what was going on but I still refused to give up hope that he still wanted me by his side and needed my strength and support. Just 24 hours earlier I was told Chris didn't want me to receive notifications and or updates on his care. I was baffled. I told the office to tell him we were getting divorced and we were done. It was like being punched in the gut, slapped in the face.

I am not sure what came over me but as I scrolled the pages of FB it was like a sign to see the page for the Wounded Warrior Project. I figured at this point if any organization could offer advice, guide me and help me it was them. I suddenly felt compelled to continue to try and help the man who had just pushed me out. Maybe, just maybe he is not in the right mental state and told them something when the wrong meds were in his system. I spent the better part of an hour on the phone with some very helpful folks with the WWP and NAMI I believe it is called. NAMI is an advocacy organization that can help families get the information and help that they need. She gave me some great advice and also listened to me express my concerns over the place that Chris is currently at.

As I was making this call I looked through our kitchen to see the kids playing together knowing that they know something is going on. It was like Deja Vu. However this time it was slightly different in the aspect that it wasn't my father on the phone talking to places to help my mother and myself and my siblings in the living room it was me on the phone and my kids playing. It was a very sobering moment. It was a moment that I realized history was in a way repeating itself. I knew that look, the expressions on my own children's faces. It was that look of keep busy, do what we can to help and don't ask questions. It was the whole something big is going on we aren't suppose to know but we sort of do. It was at that moment it hit me I had one last ditch effort to fix all this and if this was not a success it was just not meant to be.

I got off the phone and called Seth. We were both surprised that we had not heard from Chris because he was due to move to a new program today and we expected a call to being his belongings and to see me and or Seth. I told Seth of my plan. It was the sure fire way to see if in fact he was being held hostage so to speak or if he really wanted to leave me out of all of this. Tonight when/ if he calls and has not moved to the new program I am going to ask that he request a meeting with is treatment team and for me to be there with them. This way I can be informed of the treatment plan and we can get to the bottom of all of this. If he seems leery or won't comply I will be convinced that he really doesn't me to be apart the process. If he agrees then I have some shred of hope that something some how some way will work out for us.

In about 20 minutes the moment of truth will come so to speak. When and if he calls I will ask him to let me help. I will try to keep the faith and know that he still loves us. This is unchartered territory for me. I can't put my kids through the hell I endured as a child. Its not fair to them. I will hold on to the last bit of hope I have while the walls around me all come crashing down.