Sunday, January 12, 2014

Sacrifices

In life we face many situations where we must do without or sacrifice. A family who has little to no money to feed the whole family will sacrifice their meal to ensure their children can eat, a military spouse will often sacrifice their job or career to move with their spouse, a special needs family might have to do without certain luxuries or outings because its just not possible. It happens all the time however some are just more obvious than others.  How its is handled is also a big deal also. 

When we are younger and not as mature making a sacrifice might not be something you want to do, it might make you angry and resentful towards others, you might even be resistant to it since you are giving up your wants and needs and placing others in front of you. However as we grow and mature we realize that is what we do as adults who have grown and learned, becoming mature beings who learn that our needs aren't always as important and needed as others who are close to us and that we love dearly. We grow jealous though we think deep down "It's not fair!", "Why do they get it and I don't?" As long as we keep it inside and don't verbalize it, its all ok. Right? 

As I have grown and learned sometimes as grown up and mature as I believe I am, I feel that I still can be resentful and jealous. I tell myself all that I have done, I have worked for and given up and I get passed up again or I must give up things yet again for someone else! I hate feeling that way but sometimes when you sacrifice so much you begin to almost feel taken advantage of and passed over and not worthy. It's a horrible feeling and I often wish I never felt that way. Lately I find myself feeling it more and more. 

58 days now I have changed my train of thought and line of thinking. I have put all my needs to the back burner and focused on my children and my husband. My needs do not matter, they are not the important things right now that need my utmost attention. For 58 days I have seen my husband tucked away in a hospital that has done almost nothing for him while running a household on my own. Ensured that everything was kept up. For 58 days I have developed a whole new life for my family and adapted in ways I forgot I was capable of. For 58 days my husband who sat tucked away in a crappy facility, became jaded and angry, he became jealous and resentful. For 58 days I became angry and resentful, uncertain and full of doubt. I blame myself because this is what I wanted for him and told him this was the only way things were going to be ok. 

Sacrifice is a HUGE part of marriage and adulthood. How you are able to handle it, make or breaks the situations you are placed in. At the end of my fall semester in college I realized I would be needing to make yet another ultimate sacrifice towards myself and my family. I am giving up my last semester in school so that I can ensure more time for my children and lessen the load of stress to make sure I can fulfill all my obligations and not worry about deadlines, grades and graduation. Part of me though feels a bit of relief. I have gone full force for three semesters now and I can use this time to relax and spend more time where I am needed, which is my home. 

Chris has made the ultimate sacrifice and given up his family and his job to put himself in a program to deal with his PTSD. He knows how hard that has been on us but he also knows he is no good to us unless he can work through all this. He put aside his own personal thoughts about being in a place like where he is and do it to help our family and to of course help himself. He gave up his job, his freedom to take the steps he needed to work through a past that continues to haunt him daily and most often with no warning. 

Now we take this next step, put aside our feelings we might have that won't be conducive to helping us work toward the common goals. We have dreams, hopes and plans for our future and for each others futures. We must do what we can to support those equally and make sure we push each other towards them. We will sacrifice again our own personal gain to help our counterpart remember their dreams, plans and goals. There will be days they return the favor. Its give and take. Sometimes its give, give, give, give.