Saturday, January 25, 2014

Prayers, scared and hope

I know that it has been said that some of God's greatest gifts can be unanswered prayers. However, on Tuesday late morning we got the answer to our prayers. The VA called and said "we will take you. Please call this number and set up a time to come. A packet is in the mail. Please fill it out prior to your arrival." Short sweet and to the point. Within seconds Chris called set up his arrival and got the ball rolling.

Wednesday January 29th our life will take a new turn and open a whole new chapter in our lives. Chris will be residing in Waco at their VA hospital to take part in their PTSD program. It has a three and ten week program. The three week is more of a intensive learn what you have and how you can cope program. Basically if you feel you are all good, or show no desire to progress to further knowledge etc they sen you on your way. They take those who show drive, motivation, perseverance, dedication and initiative into the further seven week program.  While we would be happy to have Chris home in three weeks we all know that staying the full ten weeks will be best to get the most out of it. That and we know he shows those traits of what they are looking for to further carry on in the program.

Tuesday evening I picked up Chris, despite my feeling ill and decided to prepare him a home cooked meal. I had plans each night this week to pick him up bring him home and just make sure we all got our family time in before next week. We need it. Chris and I went to the store by ourselves. It was strange. For two months I had been schlepping the kids with me and racing to get in and out. This time I didn't feel so rushed. It might have just been the grocery store but it sure felt nice to be doing something with my husband. He needed to see civilization he needed to see the outside world before he leaves.

I have never enjoyed cooking for my family more than I did that night. The sounds of father and son in the living room reading books, playing games, sharing laughs it was what I needed to hear. Chris spent the evening looking for things he needed, entertaining H while I cooked. It felt like a family again. I don't want to get to comfortable. I don't want to get to settled. I just pulled myself out of a funk I don't want to find myself back in it.

Each night this week we have picked up Chris as soon as I have gotten off work . I think the hardest night was Thursday. H had a huge meltdown at gymnastics and it was just to much for Chris. He asked for me to take him back and I felt hurt. I kept my mouth shut but I honestly wanted to scream at him "How dare you!" I kept my mouth and texts shut until I was calm enough to discuss it in a more civil manner. However I still feel a bit of pain from that. He can't handle H's meltdowns, it makes him anxious and angry. He has to learn, he has to start coping. This will have to be one of the first things he does when he gets to Waco.

My response was blunt and honest. I don't get to leave the meltdowns, I don't get a break. I am the one who has to help him through it. I would love to get a break and say "Hey can you take this one I really need to step back." Chris knows he needs to work on this. I have left it as it is and know that he still has a way to go so I am not going to continue to make myself upset.

This weekend we will begin our quest to prepare him to leave Wednesday morning. We leave bright and early and its almost like dropping him off at Basic or for a deployment. I have a lot of mixed emotions about it all right now. We are both very upset that it has take so long to get this far. We are both upset that no one did their part to report a Veteran needing PTSD help was at the facility. We are both upset that its so hard to get short term disability to help us because he needs this help and its not a overnight or a three day fix it takes weeks and weeks to help. I do believe though that while yes he should be on his way home if this was all done the right way this did in fact begin to save our marriage. This time apart, this time for him to learn about himself and for me to focus on things I had let go and put off.

Tuesday night Chris will come home and sleep in his bed that he has not slept in for two months one time before we load out the truck the next morning and take our three hour drive to his place of hope. This is our last hope to help him, to help us to help our family. We are willing to make the 10 week sacrifice if in the end this will help us all.