Saturday, November 23, 2013

Packing bags

  • In my 34 years of life I have packed many bags. I have packed them for trips, deployments, TDY, each time I gave birth, sleep overs and the ever favorite ones for my mother. Each time she left I would robotically pack the same items three days worth of clothes, electric razor, tooth brush, under garments a few books, her glasses and a picture of us. My mom would usually get checked in every 9 months or so sometimes the stretches would go longer. This was my life from the day I was brought home from the hospital. I had more knowledge of my mothers medical history than I had of my own. I knew exactly what to say to each doctor or nurse, how to get her what she needed and then what to say to my family. No child should have to do this. I was the oldest of 5 my dad was a workaholic and seemed desensitized to it. She would leave the nanny and I would tend to my younger siblings and carry on. Even into my adulthood I have done this but I have reached a point now being far from home and being through so much I have stopped doing it and let my mom do it herself.

  • Today I did the hardest thing I have had to do since being married. No not preparing my husband for a deployment. I packed up a three day bag, sent him with a friend so he could go and get the help he needed. For three years we have battled anger and PTSD and today things went to far. I called our closest friend who knows our situation and despite the bad weather was at our door. He drove around with Chris for a bit and I got a call that I needed to pack the three day bag. I went into zombie mode and it was like doing it for my mother all over again. I recall the rules and regulations packed what i knew was acceptable and had it by the door. Today was the day that is going to hopefully help our lives. I have not given up on him nor do I want to. I have explained to our children especially my oldest who has had a seemingly hard time with this and feels like he has taken the brunt of this. However with some reassurance he understands and realizes he isn't the reason for the problems that this is something far beyond the control of his step father.
    I am sharing this because I have felt so helpless and alone so desperate and scared. I knew this was the place to come to for encouragement and support. I am sharing this for those who are in my shoes and feel they can't do it. You can, don't do it for you. Do it for your kids, for your spouse. They need you just as much as you need them.