Strange title for a blog about the struggles of a marriage that has dealt with mental instability. However after my encounter today I just had to post about some humor to lighten the mood and share something amusing. Not that I find mental illness funny however the people I encounter do provide a bit of humor to this.
So while yes today Chris was readmitted into the inpatient program, it was still an overall interesting day. I was sitting on the couch and suddenly just looked at Sean and said I need to go to the hospital and I will be back. I grabbed his Chris Kyle book and headed out the door praying he as not admitted yet and I could have some time with him before they sent him back. Luckily I got there and he was still waiting so I got comfy with him and kept him company while he impatiently waited.
A short time after I arrived two older ladies and a younger lady walked in. After a while they joined us in the intake area and sat off to the side. Chris and I continued to talk and I would assume about half an hour passed before the one lady looked at us and asked how long the process took. I explained the first time it took 6 hours for them to take my husband back and even with his stuff on file he has been waiting about 3 hours today. She and what I assume was her mother said they had children in the car and should probably go. I said to go home and have Rose at the front desk call as they are ready to take her back so you can be there for the process. At this point I had no idea why this young girl was there but it was not my place at all to ask.
After another half hour or so I went to check my phone and talk to Rose to see what the deal was and just to talk. She was very concerned for me and I told her it would be ok. I just needed answers. I realized at this time the young girl and Chris had struck up a conversation. I rejoined them and she told me her name was Sheba. She started talking about 2 Pac and Aaliyah and how they were these wonderful young souls taken to early from life and were legends etc. I complied with her statements and continued to try and make small talk with Chris. She went on and on and that is when I realized she held herself to their standards and ranking in life and was prepared to join them. She mentioned speaking in church and at that point I stopped listening since Chris was really getting shaky and anxious. He excused himself to use the bathroom.
All of a sudden I found myself in the most awkward of situations I don't think I ever want to be in ever again. The overworked intake lady came rushing down the hall and was concerned when Chris was not there. I told her he didn't leave but needed to use the restroom. I mean honestly would I still be sitting here if he has bailed on me?! However I could stand my own three week vacation so who knows maybe she thought we were tag teaming on this one.
She then suddenly looked at Sheba and walked rather fast towards her and asked if she wanted to kill herself! I was shocked. Sheba was caught off guard and sputtered out a "what??" The question was asked again and she replied she had wanted to. She was asked if she had a plan, and how she would want to go. I was mortified at this point and nothing in the room could keep my attention from it. Not even the warm and fuzzy ABC family Christmas movie. I was stuck like Chuck. She was asked again and she responded with a " I would make it fast and painless by just taking a gun and pointing it to my head!" Oh crap really?! This shit just got real. I had to remind myself that Queen Sheba didn't have a gun on her and was just complying with the serious question asked. At this time Thomas, one of the orderlies I assume, returned with Chris' belongings. He came to talk to me however I was so engrossed and distracted he finally turned to Chris who had at this point emerged from the bathroom and tell him that his belongings were here.
At this point the conversation was wrapping up and I was scooping my jaw up from the floor. I seriously was wanting to avoid being any part of this but suddenly I ruined that. The intake lady asked "do you have access to a gun?" Ms. Sheba replied " um I am in here so no I don't" I don't know what the hell came over me but I opened my big fat mouth and said "she meant outside of here like in the car, at home, a friends house?" WTF why did I do that?! They both stopped and stared at me. Its over now I am now apart of her intake process. I just got involved. Chris at some point had gone back to the bathroom. I was no sitting there stuck in a conversation I wanted no part of.
As the lady walked off Sheba looked at me was going off on how inappropriate she was and I was now going off on how not ok it was to be having this discussion in front of me! She then went on to say she was no suicidal. I was like well you told her you were so I think you are SOL now lady. She said no I am homicidal! Oh crap really?! This shit just got real. She said it was the world wanting to make her go crazy and kill. At this point I had joined my husband in the twitching and fidgeting. I had no words but I was now involved in a trainwreck!
Sheba went on and on about how she had just had a baby a year ago, nursed her husband back to health after a near fatal wreck and was the mother of 5! SSSSSCCCCRRREEEEAAATTTTCCCHHH! Hold the bus lady you like you are no older than maybe 19 and you are telling me you have 5 kids and are almost 40?? SAY WHAT!! She went on to talk some more about things and I just sort of half listened. I was still reeling from the conversation not minutes ago about her plan to kill herself or to kill others.
I later called Seth to yell at him for leaving me hanging in such a horribly awkward situation that was scary yet comical. I mean seriously how does one get in these situations? Oh its me that's right I always get this kind of stuff.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
It has to get better
Three weeks ago my husband went away. I was sad, angry and even depressed. However when I saw how hard he was working I started to let my guard down and realize that this is not my mother we are dealing with but a man who had seen lots of things in his life that most of us could never even dream of. I started to let myself open back up to him and share in this exciting time of the progress he had made.
Wednesday he was moved to a in/out patient program where he would still reside on property, attend sessions and classes yet still have some freedom of seeing family, going off site and doing things he wasn't able to do in patient. This was an exciting yet unnerving time for us. This was the true test of how well the three intense weeks of therapy would be. We went into this with lots of guidelines and thoughts of how we wanted this to work out. I think we had good intentions in all honestly.
On Wednesday after work I set out to his new housing unit with a suite case full to the gills of all the things he could possibly need. I was nervous and scared. This would be the first time in three weeks seeing him outside of four walls and no one around. We had to make a Walmart run to drop of his prescription and I was so anxious the whole time. I was afraid something or someone would set him off and I wouldn't be able to help. I was afraid he would rather go home instead of go back. I anxiously herded him from the store and back to the housing. I spent some time in the unit and was trying to remain upbeat and positive of the whole deal.
I feel horrible for knowing that the moment I walked in this was not going to work. I try to not be so pessimistic I wanted to know that deep down that this was going to help him even more. I just could tell however he was the only one there that was not an addict of some form or another. This is a man who has suffered so much trauma that he was not sure how to process this. He didn't need help facing his addictions he needed help facing his fears of how to cope in the real world and not the military life.
Today, four days after his transition, Chris was begging and pleading to move back to the inpatient program. My heart sank and I was full of sadness. I was not disappointed or upset with this I was sad for him that he had worked so hard and hit a wall. I was right about this program it was not made for PTSD so I knew this would fail him. I really wanted to be wrong about this.
Today I sat and watched my husband feel shamed and disappointed in himself for the setback he had. I felt hurt seeing him in this state of mind he was in. I hated leaving him but I was leaving him in good hands. He had developed a good relationship with the staff there so I knew they would help him greatly through this again. I think this time however he will get his needs met and will be listened to more closely. Today I realized that it has to get better.
Wednesday he was moved to a in/out patient program where he would still reside on property, attend sessions and classes yet still have some freedom of seeing family, going off site and doing things he wasn't able to do in patient. This was an exciting yet unnerving time for us. This was the true test of how well the three intense weeks of therapy would be. We went into this with lots of guidelines and thoughts of how we wanted this to work out. I think we had good intentions in all honestly.
On Wednesday after work I set out to his new housing unit with a suite case full to the gills of all the things he could possibly need. I was nervous and scared. This would be the first time in three weeks seeing him outside of four walls and no one around. We had to make a Walmart run to drop of his prescription and I was so anxious the whole time. I was afraid something or someone would set him off and I wouldn't be able to help. I was afraid he would rather go home instead of go back. I anxiously herded him from the store and back to the housing. I spent some time in the unit and was trying to remain upbeat and positive of the whole deal.
I feel horrible for knowing that the moment I walked in this was not going to work. I try to not be so pessimistic I wanted to know that deep down that this was going to help him even more. I just could tell however he was the only one there that was not an addict of some form or another. This is a man who has suffered so much trauma that he was not sure how to process this. He didn't need help facing his addictions he needed help facing his fears of how to cope in the real world and not the military life.
Today, four days after his transition, Chris was begging and pleading to move back to the inpatient program. My heart sank and I was full of sadness. I was not disappointed or upset with this I was sad for him that he had worked so hard and hit a wall. I was right about this program it was not made for PTSD so I knew this would fail him. I really wanted to be wrong about this.
Today I sat and watched my husband feel shamed and disappointed in himself for the setback he had. I felt hurt seeing him in this state of mind he was in. I hated leaving him but I was leaving him in good hands. He had developed a good relationship with the staff there so I knew they would help him greatly through this again. I think this time however he will get his needs met and will be listened to more closely. Today I realized that it has to get better.
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