Sunday, December 15, 2013

It has to get better

Three weeks ago my husband went away. I was sad, angry and even depressed. However when I saw how hard he was working I started to let my guard down and realize that this is not my mother we are dealing with but a man who had seen lots of things in his life that most of us could never even dream of. I started to let myself open back up to him and share in this exciting time of the progress he had made.
Wednesday he was moved to a in/out patient program where he would still reside on property, attend sessions and classes yet still have some freedom of seeing family, going off site and doing things he wasn't able to do in patient. This was an exciting yet unnerving time for us. This was the true test of how well the three intense weeks of therapy would be. We went into this with lots of guidelines and thoughts of how we wanted this to work out. I think we had good intentions in all honestly.
On Wednesday after work I set out to his new housing unit with a suite case full to the gills of all the things he could possibly need. I was nervous and scared. This would be the first time in three weeks seeing him outside of four walls and no one around. We had to make a Walmart run to drop of his prescription and I was so anxious the whole time. I was afraid something or someone would set him off and I wouldn't be able to help. I was afraid he would rather go home instead of go back. I anxiously herded him from the store and back to the housing. I spent some time in the unit and was trying to remain upbeat and positive of the whole deal.
I feel horrible for knowing that the moment I walked in this was not going to work. I try to not be so pessimistic I wanted to know that deep down that this was going to help him even more. I just could tell however he was the only one there that was not an addict of some form or another. This is a man who has suffered so much trauma that he was not sure how to process this. He didn't need help facing his addictions he needed help facing his fears of how to cope in the real world and not the military life.
Today, four days after his transition, Chris was begging and pleading to move back to the inpatient program. My heart sank and I was full of sadness. I was not disappointed or upset with this I was sad for him that he had worked so hard and hit a wall. I was right about this program it was not made for PTSD so I knew this would fail him. I really wanted to be wrong about this.
Today I sat and watched my husband feel shamed and disappointed in himself for the setback he had. I felt hurt seeing him in this state of mind he was in. I hated leaving him but I was leaving him in good hands. He had developed a good relationship with the staff there so I knew they would help him greatly through this again. I think this time however he will get his needs met and will be listened to more closely. Today I realized that it has to get better.